My lever arch folder

I am currently sat on a bench with a lever arch folder waiting for a train to take me to grays for my second meeting with my business advisor. Hello, much neglected blog. Yes that's right I'm setting up a business. in my lever arch folder is my spreadsheets with my forecasts and profit and loss sheets that hopefully go some way to proving that said business had the potential to make money. Excitement. Don't worry fellow bloggers i'm not giving up acting just merely creating my own show to tour around old peoples homes. Like what I've been doing over the past couple of christmas's except this time working for myself, and not other peoples companies. Yay.

To Know

To know what you deserve in life is actually an incredibly positive tool. It can also leave you feeling very raw and misunderstood in the process. However I think in the long run it saves you a tremendous amount of pain. I have spoken before of not being of able to do anything where my gut feeling tells me it is wrong, even though sometimes I want it to be right. I had a thought last night  which was that what I really want out my life at the moment is to feel settled. I have spent the last few years not feeling very settled at all, with so much up in the air and I am ready now to work on feeling settled. However being ready for this feeling and actually feeling it is two entirely separate things. But maybe just acknowledging that's what I want is the first step in making it happen.

But, I know that I deserve somebody who likes me just the way I am, I deserve somebody who makes the effort and I deserve not to made to feel like crap, whether they meant to or not. And that is what I know.

Summer lovin

Hello,

Been a bit distant from here. This summer has taken a bit of a somersault for me. I have been dating 'very exciting' I hear you cry. And yes it was, till this weekend when the "I don't think this is developing" conversation happened, and left me...well somewhat devastated. Humph, never mind onwards and upwards, so what has a summer of dating taught me:

Well,
1) It's nice to be wined and dined
2) You can meet someone online that is not totally ridiculous
3) If the person you are dating mentions moving to another country, it's probably not going to work out.

So there we go. On the acting front I actually have some auditions coming up, which is nice and a very good distraction. whoop. And I will finish my play soon.

toodles.

Am I wearing the right shoes?

Hello,




In my latest lovefilm delivery I received the film 'Friends With Money', lovely film and very relatable in lots of ways. As I liked it so much I decided to watch the special features in which the writer/director posed a question that we ask of ourselves at some points in our life 'Are we wearing the right shoes?'. This hit home with me. I have recently been on holiday and this is always a time for me to recollect my thoughts, away from the humdrum of the city and the constant worrying about money/friends/life/work/myself. This coupled with the fact that on two separate occasions this week I have had people making comments about my life which I have been totally unable to defend. Mainly because it would take an age to describe why I am currently in the position that I am in, and to be honest it wasn't worth it. They weren’t friends, they were just people I encountered, one at work and one at an audition. So really it was better just to let these comments go. It is a lesson though, in not judging people just by a piece of paper or the title that their current job holds. You don't know what has drawn that specific person into these circumstances and to assume that you do, is really just arrogance on your part. However getting back to how this affects me, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact it is possibly a rite of passage that you have to go through a time in your life where you feel a bit lost, and like you don't really know what you're doing as it makes you realise that life is not a straight line from school through to work to relationships to children to death etc...It is actually a rather squiggly one, probably not even one line maybe two or three or more, interconnecting making you confused and a bit disorientated. But what I have realised this week is that really I’m not the only one who hasn't got a clue what's happened to their life, there's millions of us probably right at this moment lost in the wilderness of life going UMM...and everybody else has either already had there moment of lostness or is probably heading for it. So to answer the question 'Am I wearing the right shoes?' the answer is no probably not, but I know somewhere out there, there is a bloody perfect pair just waiting for me to find them.

100th Post

Hello much neglected blog page, how are you?

I've spent the last couple of months having a bit of a think about what I  want to do with myself. I originally set up this blogging page to document life as an Actor and I think the general gist of that has been I never have any money and actually the reality of trying to follow your dreams is actually very difficult and filled with much disappointment and hardship. That sounds incredibly cynical, but unfortunately that has been much of my experience, in the acting world. It seems to be if you want paid work, it will mainly be rubbish paid work, and if you want to be in good stuff you will have to do it for free/profit share...and unfortunately I can not afford to do that. Sooo i had to make a decision a decision based on whether I am happy with my current situation, whether I can carry on living my life like this and what I would like my future to look like. The answer to these questions  has lead me to the following conclusion...I love acting, and DO NOT  want to give it up however I can not afford/want to live the lifestyle of an actor...so i have decided to make a change and the change involves the following:

a) I would like to do a PGCE, and train to be a drama teacher...a bit scary but at least it will allow me to earn a decent wage, should i want to, and give me an extra string to my bow.

b) I'm going to create my own work, me and a friend have set up a youtube channel and we are going to start uploading videos very soon. They will be comedy videos, and we that people will enjoy them our name is wellybean flowerpot so watch this space.

c) I'm writing a play. And hope for it to be...good.

Yes so these are the career updates, so with a deep breath...here I go.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gin-l4LDdXQ

Romaversary

Sooooo here I am a year on. Still alive, still penniless, still single...so what have I learnt over the last year here in Romford....well...

1) Getting a temporary flexible job is not easy.In the last year I have worked in:
A call centre,
Zizzi's,
A Vauxhall garage,
Scania office,
Regus Reception,
Fox Reception,
Hearing specialist reception,
Drama workshops in schools,
Nurseries.

Most of these experiences have been alright and in some instances even interesting, there was one horrendous experience and that was at Zizzi's. The manager was insane and I got fired for quote 'Not being the Zizzi style' I have never been more pleased to get fired from anywhere in my entire life.

2) I will never have any money...I chose to be an actor what do I expect?

3) I like the flat we chose, it's not perfect but it's fine...and that counts for a lot. It's in a good location, the rent is manageable...most of the time...and it's been a place of solace when most needed.

4) I know some amazing people, who always make the agony of being an actor worthwhile they are troupers and make me feel like London is my home.

5) I LOVE LONDON it is a constant surprise, I love being able to go somewhere different every time I go out, and find places that as soon as I walk in to them I feel like a little piece of me has been here all along.

6) Acting is CONSTANTLY hard, but also CONSTANTLY rewarding, I feel the most me when I get to do it, and that's why I persevere.

7) Dating is a long and winding road. I'm sure at some point I will meet somebody who I get the 'YES YOU' feeling for, but for now I am still waiting...ugh.

8) I must always trust my gut instincts...they are really good, and know me, more than even I do sometimes.

9) I must eat properly, I get Ill when I don't.

10) Being Ill is AWFUL...

11) I have time to do the things I want to in life...but that doesn't mean I should procrastinate...I am young, but I will get OLD and procrastination IS the thief of time.

12) Other people's success's do not mean that I will not be successful. Be happy for people and do not judge yourself by their standards, we have our own little path, we must follow that.

13)The more you put in the more you get out.

14) Relationships alter with time, sometimes your friends, sometimes your not, we all need space, and a place to breath, it is essential you let yourself and others do this.

15) My family are but a train ride away and once a month that train ride is made, and it makes me stronger, thank goodness for their support.

16) I have vision and talent, but I must also put in the effort to make it work, no one can pop in my head and so this for me.

17) Nothing lasts forever.

18) Always own a pet, they if nothing else give you purpose...thanks Bubble.

19) Work hard, but also take breaks...you deserve it.

20) Allow yourself to feel....feel happy, feel sad, feel scared, feel appreciated, feel alive...

AND NEVER EVER STOP BELIEVING.

Here's to another year...

standing still on the left side of the escalator

When I'm not in London and I like to stand still on the left side of the escalator, partly cos it makes me feel rebellious but also because in London I am busy, I work 12 hour days, my weekends are full of applying for acting work, doing comedy stuff, catching up with friends, cleaning up and managing my accounts. This week I was back in London on Monday after an Easter break up north, and that night I went to see Helen Mirren in 'The Audience' soooo good, I have been a huge Mirren fan since my early teens, so I bought myself a ticket to see her live as a treat to myself. On Thursday I went up to Lincoln for an audition, for an open air summer tour, and once I had finished that, I had a few hours in Lincoln to kill before my train back to London. I love London, I do, but it is so fast paced and as I have joined that pace I sometimes forget just to browse. Not just browse shops but browse life, watch people, saunter around shops, listen to accents, to feel life. It has nearly been a year since I moved down here, and there will be a full blog to review that year, But the last year has been somewhat hectic, and sometimes it's nice to stop and just remind myself who I am, how I got here, and what that means.