Acting mantra

In a letter from Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille:
“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time this expression is unique and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine: how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares to other expressions.
“It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased... there is no satisfaction at any time. There is only a divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”

Wonderful people and Clarity

Wonderful people and clarity

I have felt a bit raw after the whole crying escapade. I’m not sure I cry like other people it kind of has to be seen to be believed. Once I go, I go…and it can last days…I can only really liken it to a grieving process. Which you would probably only understand if you had grieved for something. It’s not something that I can control, like a scab that even if you slightly nudge will begin bleeding again. I will get back to normality eventually, like all these things the recovery is always twice as long as the actual event itself. I think I have spoken about not being able to do things that I don’t believe in before, and it’s the same time and time again…even when I try to carry on ignoring the feeling that this isn’t right, eventually I crumble. It’s just not in me to deny the way I feel, and even if my head ignores it my heart takes over. And you know what? Maybe that’s not a bad thing, it’s my bodies way of telling me that something is just not right and that we cannot carry on…so that’s what’s going to happen…I will not carry on…I will find another job, I will backtrack and find my way again.

What has been brilliant about crying gate is that this weekend I have seen absolutely everybody who means the world to me. EVERYBODY. And you know what they have all fully agreed and been supportive about my predicament. And actually that means more to me than any stupid minimum wage job. The words were actually uttered “we’re all on team Sarah” and that’s nice because it’s good to know that even when I fall off the team Sarah Bandwagon there are people there to pull me back on.

So the new plan is to find a temporary job, to look in to starting my business and to tell my other job to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.

I’m outty.

xxx

The straw that broke the camels back

Today for the first time in a long time I cried in front of people…work people to be exact. It was not good or pretty but it happened and it happened for many reasons, the first reason was that another colleague was being very petty and underhand, which resulted in the manager having a ‘word’ with me. And that word was not to help him in his section as, and this was the underlying message, he was worried he wouldn’t get the tip from the table. not that the manager said that to me, but that was the problem. Rather upsetting as I was just trying to help…not that I will do that again. The other reason, I had just come straight from another job so I hadn’t really eaten properly this is never good for me. Another thing, I was feeling lady emotional…if you get my meaning. Also, I have been feeling a bit rubbish about not being able to do much acting and instead doing jobs that I didn’t want to do that are really high pressured in really stupid ways. I don’t like things that are all about how many sales you get, it’s cold and soulless. I also don’t like the people who do these jobs and get a kick out of it…as quite frankly they are soulless, and that I don’t want to surround myself with them. I like creativity and teamwork, not people that blindly follow rules and who are quite frankly out for themselves.

I didn’t want to cry…not at work…in front of those people. I was sent home early because of it; I have hardly done any hours now because of that. I feel so frustrated, and I have no idea how to fix it. To add insult to industry I keep getting offered acting work up north. This is good I know, but it’s not particularly helpful when I am in the south.

Hmm, I’ll work something out…I nearly always do…I just wish I wasn’t in so much of an emotional state. I Hate getting like this, I am still water I run deep, but with deep water comes a mass of problems if a storm arrives…you know?

Embrace the Essex

I am writing this whilst watching 'The Only Way Is Essex', and living in Essex…whoop. This weekend has seen the opening of a restaurant that I am working at in Essex, It's a much better job than the call centre. Mostly because I can walk to the restaurant, so it doesn't cost me anything to get there which is a huge plus. And the other waiting staff are actually very nice, I'm still making my mind up about some of the other people there.

I was deeply annoyed on Saturday when I made the biatch of a journey to north London through a lot of over excited west ham fans, to get to an audition. And when I did finally get there the audition people had neglected to tell me that they had changed the auditions to Sunday…bastards…so I not only wasted time, but money as well…suffice to say I was not a happy bunny. But hey ho…these things happen…

Essex is fun though, and hopefully when I get a little more on my feet with hours and money…I can really begin to embrace it as more of a home.

Right time for bed me thinks…

Nighty night.

Worry, worry, worry…

So, the last few weeks have been pretty hectic. Which seems to be the pattern of things at the moment. I'm still trying to work out the whole base income thing, I seem to be getting underpaid for things left right and centre at the moment. And that's very annoying, especially as this week I am doing a 50 hour week…big sigh. Please just pay me properly so I can stop worrying about money.

Anyway on a nicer note I have an audition tomorrow for some Shakespeare, so that will be something for the soul at least. Oh the life of an actor. I'm hoping that as a routine starts to develop I can concentrate more on acting, it's all been very boring so far and a bit too stressfull for my liking. Goodness me, I've spent a lot of time, wondering how I managed to end up doing certain things in the last few weeks. And other than money it's been a bit difficult to understand. I am living very much in the present at the moment, which I suppose is good. But I feel like the last few weeks have gone by in a blur, and I'm not sure exactly if I've been enjoying myself…I think I just need to chillax for a bit…and try not worry…ugh…

Toodles

Drunk and in charge of a blog

So I'm a bit tipsy while writing this. I'm not sure why have decided to do this but I have. I feel very happy this evening and it's not just because I am drunk. I feel as though something has been achieved this evening that hopefully in a few months time will become more malleable. But for now I'm just going to have to sit on it for a while. Anywhoo, I am finding it very hard to type right now and should probably stop before I really cause some damage..

Bon nuit

Changes

Well I've been a bit slow on the old blogging station, of late. I think it's because I have been so manically busy. I have managed to get myself three jobs in London now, one at a call centre, one as a waitress and one doing some more corporate acting. They have all been keeping me very busy . I'm not so sure that I like the waitressing or the call centre, they are very corporate and target led, and as a free thinking actress, it doesn't really suit my way of working. I don't like everything being about money, and how much you sell in a day. I find it cold, and not at all what life is about. However, if I want to be an actress and make the whole performing thing happen, I'm going to have to put up with it. At least in the short term and hey for now it's paying the rent.

I also may be getting some drama workshops to do in Essex, so that will be fun if nothing else.

The flat is nice I could do with a little bit more money to get it looking homely etc. But for now it will do. I want to get pictures to put up on the wall, and a rug, and maybe a bean bag or something, so that it's a bit more snuggly in the evening.

So here I am in London, trying to make it all work. I hope it settles down soon, and I can start enjoying it a bit more.

Tata…