And a Happy Birthday to me!

Well today it is my Birthday. I am 23 and about to embark on another year of my life. Horaah! Birthdays are nice they allow you to look back, gather your thoughts, get in touch with people and look to the future. I like looking to the future, I always have. It's nice to imagine a life that is slightly more like what I think life should be like. even if it doesn't turn out quite the way I expect it too. I enjoy setting myself the challenge of going for something that I really want and watching and experiencing it manifesting in a way that I could never have imagined it too. Of course the short term goal at the moment is to get out of my immediate debt. I'm nearly there, I have almost paid off my credit card and just need to get out of the bit of my overdraft that the bank charge me for, and then I can start living a bit more freely. Moving to London is starting to become a reality now. I introduced the people that I want to live with to each other this weekend, and that went well. It might not actually be that all three of us end up living together but, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Yes, all is coming together I am back teaching this week, and working at the pub. And I have a couple of auditions coming up for short films, which if I get I can start putting together a showreel, to satisfy another craving which is to get an agent ( a good one preferably) anywhoo that is another bridge yet to be crossed. Onwards into the 24th year of my life.

Toodles.xxx

Waiting for my chance to come

New favourite song courtesy of Noah and the Whale:


Well I'm just waiting for my chance to come
Just a silhouette against the rising sun
Watch the water, watch the sky
Count the days as they go by
I'm just waiting for my chance to come

Well it takes real guts to be alone
Going head to head with the great unknown
But there is no sweeter sound, on the kings round I'm bound
And just waiting for your chance to come

'Cause it's hard to feel like, you're worth something in this life
When you're walking next to me, I can hear my body speak
We're just waiting for a chance to come
We're just waiting for a chance to come

Your immortal smile is burned in me
When I close my eyes its all see
Among the canyons and the stars
You're the guide inside my heart
I'm just waiting for my chance to come

And you're just looking for a way outta here
Yeah, a way to see this old life all disappear
Take a gamble on your heart, it will lead you through the dark
You're just waiting for your chance to come

'Cause it's hard to feel like, you're worth something in this life
When you're walking next to me, I can hear my body speak
We're just waiting for a chance to come
We're just waiting for a chance to come

And no one's gunna get in my way
Gunna figure it out for myself
Yeah no one's gunna make me stay
Gunna figure it out for myself

'Cause I don't need nothing
I'm just waiting for my chance to come

We are who we are

When do we become the person we think we should be? Do we ever? It seems to me it's not so much who you are, but who you are around other people. And more to the point how we change around different people. There are some people that I can be totally, utterly and blissfully myself around, and others that I simply can't...not such a bad thing, I think if anything it is a defense mechanism. However after a prolonged period time, it's hard to remember who I am. After all I am a bit weird...it's not as though I can be summed up in a few vague adjectives. I have a cracking sense of humour (around some people) and at the same time I am guilty of taking myself too seriously...I hate being teased...I hate being second guessed...I hate being wrong...and I hate people telling me who I am. I'm complicated, I know that...I can be difficult, stubborn and opinionated...but at the same time I quite like being these things. It has made me strong, I'm not untouchable but I have grown a thick skin. So here's to being me...and to embracing the people I can be myself around...they are my therapy. Thank God they exist.

A lift

Things are looking and feeling better. These last few days I have been feeling a lot more positive. I have begun to feel free, for the first time in a long time. I think I'm learning how to be a young twenty something, that is back living in her home town. After living for the last four years at a hares pace, I am starting to learn how to live at a tortoises pace. I think the thing to do is embrace not having anything that important to do. I've never been able to do that before. I have always been worried about work that I have to get in. Or how the decisions I make now will affect my future. But now I kind of feel I have done all I can do in the training section of forging out a future career. From here on it's about making enough money to live on, so that I can be independent, and be able to have some form of a happy life. Whether this is doing what I really want to do, or not. It seems that this is what I will be doing anyway, so I may as well embrace it. I'm looking forward to being able to go out and just have fun, and not worry that I will be wasting a day being hung-over. Because to be fair, my job isn't all that taxing, I could probably do it asleep. So the idea of just being able to what I want when I want is quite nice. Plus I start rehearsals for the play that I am in, in a weeks time. So that has made me feel better as well. Any who, thought I would do a happy non-ranty post for once. I wanted not to mention the money situation, but I failed there any way it's all looking up!! hoorah!!

Fated to Pretend

I am currently doing what can only be described as actors research...In that I spend my entire working life pretending to be someone that I am not. When I get to the Pub I take on this weird personality, which I'm not actively trying to be it just comes out. I worked out at university that if I can't say what I think I have nothing to say...this was okay at university because I was around people who understood me, and who were intelligent enough to realise when I was joking or being quirky. Which for me is most of the time. But at the Pub this is not the case, Possibly it is my fault for not coming out of my shell more, but I think I have quite a good radar for spotting people whom I can be myself around, and those that I simply can not. At the Pub I adopt a personality that is a) a lot simpler than I really am, b) a lot more boring than I really am and c) a lot less opinionated than I am really am. Infact what I am at the pub is someone who wants to be invisible, ignored and probably more truthfully doesn't want to be there. Someone asked me the other day, if this was my only job " God NO" I wanted to say. But I had to be somewhat respectful of the people for whom this was their only Job. (It is not my only Job, I also run workshops for primary school children, but this is by the by). Anywho I have decided to think of it as acting research, we do get all sorts in there, customers and Staff alike, and in a way it is interesting to be around them. I could never live the way they do, but most of them seem happy, and as long as they leave me alone to get on with my robot like work, I will carry on being this stupid, placid uninteresting person. Who knows it might even come in useful one day.

On the money front, I still haven't been paid for the corporate acting work I did over a month ago now. Apparently it's my fault for giving my invoice in late. I would just like to point out that I did not know that I had to do an invoice till she asked where mine was. I'm not psychic, it was my first job ( which she knew) she should have told me. Anyway, it means I can't make my next loan repayment. Also my job at the pub paid me significantly less than what I was expecting. So I am currently being royally fucked from all angles at them moment.

Yes anyway, as I have already mentioned above I have a new job doing drama workshops for primary school children. It's hard work but far more interesting than the pub, plus it gives me a chance to be a bit bossy, which is nice because it gets some of my aggression out. Plus I quite enjoy planning the sessions.

Also, I am about to start learning my lines for Macbeth, so there is some proper acting to get my teeth into. Woohoo. And I have decided to pay for CCP monthly, I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms, plus it means that the Corporate acting work can't annoy any more than they already have. Because I wanted the money that they were meant to pay me for the yearly subscription, but whatever.

I also need to book a train ticket down to Brighton, I need to do it soon before the fares go up. I might have to ask the parentage for that one.

Anywho that is it me for now!! Here's a link to Time to Pretend enjoy!
http://youtu.be/B9dSYgd5Elk