To Know

To know what you deserve in life is actually an incredibly positive tool. It can also leave you feeling very raw and misunderstood in the process. However I think in the long run it saves you a tremendous amount of pain. I have spoken before of not being of able to do anything where my gut feeling tells me it is wrong, even though sometimes I want it to be right. I had a thought last night  which was that what I really want out my life at the moment is to feel settled. I have spent the last few years not feeling very settled at all, with so much up in the air and I am ready now to work on feeling settled. However being ready for this feeling and actually feeling it is two entirely separate things. But maybe just acknowledging that's what I want is the first step in making it happen.

But, I know that I deserve somebody who likes me just the way I am, I deserve somebody who makes the effort and I deserve not to made to feel like crap, whether they meant to or not. And that is what I know.

Summer lovin

Hello,

Been a bit distant from here. This summer has taken a bit of a somersault for me. I have been dating 'very exciting' I hear you cry. And yes it was, till this weekend when the "I don't think this is developing" conversation happened, and left me...well somewhat devastated. Humph, never mind onwards and upwards, so what has a summer of dating taught me:

Well,
1) It's nice to be wined and dined
2) You can meet someone online that is not totally ridiculous
3) If the person you are dating mentions moving to another country, it's probably not going to work out.

So there we go. On the acting front I actually have some auditions coming up, which is nice and a very good distraction. whoop. And I will finish my play soon.

toodles.

Am I wearing the right shoes?

Hello,




In my latest lovefilm delivery I received the film 'Friends With Money', lovely film and very relatable in lots of ways. As I liked it so much I decided to watch the special features in which the writer/director posed a question that we ask of ourselves at some points in our life 'Are we wearing the right shoes?'. This hit home with me. I have recently been on holiday and this is always a time for me to recollect my thoughts, away from the humdrum of the city and the constant worrying about money/friends/life/work/myself. This coupled with the fact that on two separate occasions this week I have had people making comments about my life which I have been totally unable to defend. Mainly because it would take an age to describe why I am currently in the position that I am in, and to be honest it wasn't worth it. They weren’t friends, they were just people I encountered, one at work and one at an audition. So really it was better just to let these comments go. It is a lesson though, in not judging people just by a piece of paper or the title that their current job holds. You don't know what has drawn that specific person into these circumstances and to assume that you do, is really just arrogance on your part. However getting back to how this affects me, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact it is possibly a rite of passage that you have to go through a time in your life where you feel a bit lost, and like you don't really know what you're doing as it makes you realise that life is not a straight line from school through to work to relationships to children to death etc...It is actually a rather squiggly one, probably not even one line maybe two or three or more, interconnecting making you confused and a bit disorientated. But what I have realised this week is that really I’m not the only one who hasn't got a clue what's happened to their life, there's millions of us probably right at this moment lost in the wilderness of life going UMM...and everybody else has either already had there moment of lostness or is probably heading for it. So to answer the question 'Am I wearing the right shoes?' the answer is no probably not, but I know somewhere out there, there is a bloody perfect pair just waiting for me to find them.

100th Post

Hello much neglected blog page, how are you?

I've spent the last couple of months having a bit of a think about what I  want to do with myself. I originally set up this blogging page to document life as an Actor and I think the general gist of that has been I never have any money and actually the reality of trying to follow your dreams is actually very difficult and filled with much disappointment and hardship. That sounds incredibly cynical, but unfortunately that has been much of my experience, in the acting world. It seems to be if you want paid work, it will mainly be rubbish paid work, and if you want to be in good stuff you will have to do it for free/profit share...and unfortunately I can not afford to do that. Sooo i had to make a decision a decision based on whether I am happy with my current situation, whether I can carry on living my life like this and what I would like my future to look like. The answer to these questions  has lead me to the following conclusion...I love acting, and DO NOT  want to give it up however I can not afford/want to live the lifestyle of an actor...so i have decided to make a change and the change involves the following:

a) I would like to do a PGCE, and train to be a drama teacher...a bit scary but at least it will allow me to earn a decent wage, should i want to, and give me an extra string to my bow.

b) I'm going to create my own work, me and a friend have set up a youtube channel and we are going to start uploading videos very soon. They will be comedy videos, and we that people will enjoy them our name is wellybean flowerpot so watch this space.

c) I'm writing a play. And hope for it to be...good.

Yes so these are the career updates, so with a deep breath...here I go.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gin-l4LDdXQ

Romaversary

Sooooo here I am a year on. Still alive, still penniless, still single...so what have I learnt over the last year here in Romford....well...

1) Getting a temporary flexible job is not easy.In the last year I have worked in:
A call centre,
Zizzi's,
A Vauxhall garage,
Scania office,
Regus Reception,
Fox Reception,
Hearing specialist reception,
Drama workshops in schools,
Nurseries.

Most of these experiences have been alright and in some instances even interesting, there was one horrendous experience and that was at Zizzi's. The manager was insane and I got fired for quote 'Not being the Zizzi style' I have never been more pleased to get fired from anywhere in my entire life.

2) I will never have any money...I chose to be an actor what do I expect?

3) I like the flat we chose, it's not perfect but it's fine...and that counts for a lot. It's in a good location, the rent is manageable...most of the time...and it's been a place of solace when most needed.

4) I know some amazing people, who always make the agony of being an actor worthwhile they are troupers and make me feel like London is my home.

5) I LOVE LONDON it is a constant surprise, I love being able to go somewhere different every time I go out, and find places that as soon as I walk in to them I feel like a little piece of me has been here all along.

6) Acting is CONSTANTLY hard, but also CONSTANTLY rewarding, I feel the most me when I get to do it, and that's why I persevere.

7) Dating is a long and winding road. I'm sure at some point I will meet somebody who I get the 'YES YOU' feeling for, but for now I am still waiting...ugh.

8) I must always trust my gut instincts...they are really good, and know me, more than even I do sometimes.

9) I must eat properly, I get Ill when I don't.

10) Being Ill is AWFUL...

11) I have time to do the things I want to in life...but that doesn't mean I should procrastinate...I am young, but I will get OLD and procrastination IS the thief of time.

12) Other people's success's do not mean that I will not be successful. Be happy for people and do not judge yourself by their standards, we have our own little path, we must follow that.

13)The more you put in the more you get out.

14) Relationships alter with time, sometimes your friends, sometimes your not, we all need space, and a place to breath, it is essential you let yourself and others do this.

15) My family are but a train ride away and once a month that train ride is made, and it makes me stronger, thank goodness for their support.

16) I have vision and talent, but I must also put in the effort to make it work, no one can pop in my head and so this for me.

17) Nothing lasts forever.

18) Always own a pet, they if nothing else give you purpose...thanks Bubble.

19) Work hard, but also take breaks...you deserve it.

20) Allow yourself to feel....feel happy, feel sad, feel scared, feel appreciated, feel alive...

AND NEVER EVER STOP BELIEVING.

Here's to another year...

standing still on the left side of the escalator

When I'm not in London and I like to stand still on the left side of the escalator, partly cos it makes me feel rebellious but also because in London I am busy, I work 12 hour days, my weekends are full of applying for acting work, doing comedy stuff, catching up with friends, cleaning up and managing my accounts. This week I was back in London on Monday after an Easter break up north, and that night I went to see Helen Mirren in 'The Audience' soooo good, I have been a huge Mirren fan since my early teens, so I bought myself a ticket to see her live as a treat to myself. On Thursday I went up to Lincoln for an audition, for an open air summer tour, and once I had finished that, I had a few hours in Lincoln to kill before my train back to London. I love London, I do, but it is so fast paced and as I have joined that pace I sometimes forget just to browse. Not just browse shops but browse life, watch people, saunter around shops, listen to accents, to feel life. It has nearly been a year since I moved down here, and there will be a full blog to review that year, But the last year has been somewhat hectic, and sometimes it's nice to stop and just remind myself who I am, how I got here, and what that means.

Cosmos

I hate it when things that feel so very right turn out to be quite wrong and underwhelming. There are some things that we want so badly the fabrication of a reality becomes more real than the actual thing. There are some things that no matter how much we study, how much we think we know, how much effort we put in, or how much money we pay, they are simply in the lap of the gods. They are a feeling shared and that can not be created, it is already in exisistence in the cosmos. You can only believe that it will come...and god i hope it comes.

And on

Hellooo,

There seems to be a lot of illness around at the moment. I myself have been rather Ill for the last two and a half weeks. I'm on anti-biotics now, so hopefully they should help me kick the bug, but it's been quite bad. I took two days off work this week and of the other three days that i was in, on two of those days i got sent home early, meh, never mind. Hopefully i will get better soon and my energy will return.

In other news my Dad has booked a holiday for June. Two weeks in Menorca (Hallelujah) so that is something to look forward too. Also the summer acting jobs have started appearing so hopefully that will lead to something good.

xxx

Fucking life fail

Well, I have not had an audition for over two weeks, and even that audition was for a job doing Kids parties so i don't exactly think that counts. It's beginning to make me quite angry, especially as in the meantime I have found myself working in a nursery which is beginning to feel like a massive waste of time. NEED ACTING WORK. and failing that something that is vaguely related to acting and pays well. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...eegh...

In other news I am a hundred pounds overdrawn on my bank account, which means I am probably facing a massive bank charge, but I'm too scared to look at what the actual damage is, so I'm being a bit of an ostrich till i next get paid with that one.

I'm still single, although i have a couple of options on the horizon, which is new for me. Although not enough to get very excited.

Writing sketches is not going well, as i have no idea how to actually go about writing...i have tried just writing but it's not coming out right...although writing is rewriting (apparently) so maybe this will come with time.

And now it is half ten, so i should go to sleep, so that i can get up at 6 to go and do something that i don't want to do all day, in order to make not quite enough  money to live on. Go me. Fucking life fail.

Life is a marathon not a sprint

Sunday, whoop. And my only day for a lay in. Yesterday I had an audition for providing children's parties and preschool classes in drama. All good fun, and would be a little extra cash. But it meant me missing my Saturday lay in. I have no money again, as I work on 0% contract I only get paid for the hours that i do, and unfortunately a couple of weeks ago I was very Ill and had to miss 2 1/2 days of work. Such is life, so I missed out on the pay, so have gone over my overdraft once again, which means I will probably get a whopping bank charge which I won't be able to pay, and will have to revert to the bank of mum and dad. Sigh. 

Apart from the money thing. I am actually feeling incredibly positive. I seem to be in control of my life in a way that i really wasn't last year. I have a fairly (touch wood) stable day job, which although doesn't pay great, does pay some, so i can just about keep my head above water most weeks. I am starting to create my own work, with a really good friend from drama school. I am applying for more corporate acting work with other companies. And I am applying for acting work, as well  Also I am going out more, seeing people, enjoying London. We are about to renew the contract on our flat down here, and i couldn't be happier about that. I feel like that is an achievement in itself, all three of us managed to survive a whole year down here relatively unscathed. It was a stressful year, and not exactly an easy ride, but hey we made it. I think we'll have a proper celebration when it is actually the date we moved in, but for now, getting the new contracts through felt like a real achievement.

positivity

I am having one of the most lovely weekends that I have had in a long
Time. I am currently sat in the hairdressers which always puts me in a
Good mood. But also have seen lots of friends this weekend, with still
A few more to visit. I went to the southbank centre to do some comedy
Writing with  friend a and what a vibrant place that is. It totally tickled my fancy
. It's just so nice to be round creative minds, and to remember what my
Creative mind consists of. I can be a bit strange, I know that, but I always
Feel so much better when I can show people what's going on in my head
Through performance. It's actually quite life affirming to me.
I have also just got over....

N.B. I actually wrote this post a week ago, on my blackberry, but it stopped working mid sentence  so I have no idea what the rest of this post was going to be...but i thought i'd share the thoughts anywhay.

blogging on the train

well hello blog fans I am writing this on the train back up to Yorkshire, who'd have funk it! Technology ey?

Well I thought it was about time for an update, so I think I left you last feeling a bit down about coming back to London, well the following week I came down with a very odd illness, which seemed to involve being very tired and getting a slight chest infection. luckily my immune system kicked it, and now I'm back to my usual non cryie self. phew.

This month I have been applying like crazy for any and all acting jobs. I have had four auditions mainly for paid work, all very different jobs one was a Chekhov Play, one a TIE tour one was an adult panto, and another for a new children's TV prog. All very interesting and good to get back into the auditioning habit. I had become a bit lazy at the end of the last year. Anywhoo, it's a new year and with a renewed sense of purpose for me.

Also, and I am quite excited about this. Me and my lovely Friend Eleanor (from DSL) have met up and we are going to start writing some comedy things and perform them at comedy nights. eee, feels so good to be in control of something creative again.

And I have some corporate acting lined up for Feb. So feel 2013 is going well so far, just hope it stays that way.

Toodle pip.

Treacheries of being alone

I am what may be aptly described as a solitary person; however I want certain things in my life...a partner, being the main one at the moment. And at a risk of sounding desperate I am beginning to succumb to certain treacheries of being alone/single for too long. I cannot be too candid about this as I am fearful of being lynched, but I think I am on the brink of doing something quite bad...emotionally bad I mean. Hmm, this is rather hard to blog about; I am not a person who condones extra relationship affairs. In fact I think if people cheat, it is because they are not happy in the relationship that they are in. I'm not trying to excuse cheating, just understand. Also I am not easily won over or taken in by people...but I am alone and therefore have little to lose, or maybe I have a lot to lose...one things for sure it's very bad karma...I think I need some acting work to distract me.