The significance of insignificance

I had one of those moments today, when you see yourself through somebody else's eyes. The eek moment, when you think, 'God is that how people see me?'. Sometimes when I don't feel comfortable with people, my defence mechanism is to stay quiet and fade in to the back ground. But I had a thought today what happens if this is how people really view me, as insignificant, easily forgettable, that girl..".oo what's her name". It's scary, and I know to a lot of people I am far more important than that, but still every now and then, that thought registers. Usually when I have been rejected, either as a friend, girlfriend, actor...whatever. and then I feel guilty, how many people have I rejected, written off, or simply forgotten purely cos I had failed to register them. I only have to go down my list of friends on facebook, to know how many people I have failed to actively remember. I'd like to say sorry, to all those people. Everybody is interesting and has something to offer in their own significant way. and I hope I am not just 'that girl' in too many people's eyes.

Kel.

Thank you January 2012

Phew, January is over. I have been quite scared of January ever since January 2009 came along and plunged the entire year into disarray. 2009 was by far one of the worst years of my entire life and every month brought it's own devastating and difficult troubles. But January was by far the worst month. Therefore when 2010 came around it could only get better, and it did. 2011 was so busy I hardly even noticed it. But this January was again a bit of a struggle. Before I left drama school I told everybody that I would go home to earn a bit of money and then move back after Christmas, either January of February. Obviously that didn't happen, for a number of reasons, but regardless that didn't happen. So January felt like a bit of a detour this year. Again I ran out of money, I blame Christmas for that, and didn't really manage to see many of my friends. I have been working loads this month. Not doing acting, but planning and running workshops and being at the pub. And although that was totally rubbish, it was quite nice once payday finally did come around. Now I am excited for February. The hotel and train tickets are booked for our stay in London so we can go flat searching, and this month the preparation jobs are: to get a settlement figure for my PCDL, get a graduate loan to pay off the PCDL and overdraft, hand in my resignation for the drama workshops and arrange viewings for seeing flats. Exciting times coming up, and February allows me to feel like it is finally all going to happen.

And on the acting front, I start filming my first short film at the end of February. We are shooting in Leeds and London, so all being well, it should be some nice footage for the old showreel.

Peace out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rjp3qaRLFLc

Ooo

Today I paid off my credit card. Hooray. It's taken me five months, but you know what it was worth it. I have found this quite often, that when I get to the point that I think I can't take anymore rubbish, something comes along and gives me a little lift. And today paying off my credit card was my lift. Also I have booked the hotel and train for a stay in London which is in aid of me, Sophie and Becca going flat searching. I got a really good deal as well. I'm glad it's all booked, it makes it seem real. and something tangible to look forward too. Brilliant.

When I am leaving somewhere, or I know that a big change is immanent, I kind of mentally checkout of where ever it is that I am, and move mentally to the next place. Maybe this is a self preservation thing, it's much easier to leave a place, if you don't want to be there. And the best way of not wanting to be somewhere is to want to be somewhere else. Therefore, when I actually take the next step, I'm simply going through the motions. But strange things make me freak out. A couple of weeks ago I totally freaked out at the thought of curtains. I thought if I get an unfurnished flat, there probably won't be curtains, or even a curtain rail. And I can't afford curtains or a curtain rail. Anyway how will I know how big to get the curtains, even if I did have the money....blah, blah, blah. None of this is a proper reason to get upset or annoyed, but I did. However to cut a long story short *excuse the pun* my mum has agreed to help. So curtains aside, I'm excited. and even a little proud of myself for paying off at least one of my debts. Yays.

I can't remember if I have posted this song before, but I Love Noah and the Whale, and this songs sums up this time in my life perfectly:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdPF4h9K0bs

Moore

How?

Okay, so I have somehow ended up working with children that have special needs, whether it be that they have autism, behavioural issues, or beginning to take risks with their lives...such as drinking, unprotected sex, drugs etc. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Part of me is pleased, it's extra experience for me and interesting. But the other part of me thinks, who am I to try and help these kids? I'm not trained in working with these types of kids. I only to took the job of doing workshops to get a bit of extra money, not because I really wanted to work with Kids. However, I also think maybe I'm exactly the type of person they need doing these types of jobs. I am qualified in drama and acting, I know first hand how it can give you a lease of life and a focus. The groups that I am running with the kids with behavioural problems are called drama therapy and I know how drama can make someone feel better about themselves. I also have the added benefit of not romanticising the job. I know the kids will be difficult, and that some of them won't want to be there. But that is fine, because I don't really want to be there. I won't be mean to the kids, but at the same time I won't take any shit for them. They also can't upset me, because I know that none of their issues have anything to do with me.Also, because this job isn't something that I want to do for ever, I have no problems with being a bit rubbish at it.

It's funny how life can lead you in to these things, I could never have predicted that this is what I would have ended up doing. Weird.

on another topic, I'm  getting really excited at the prospect of being able to apply for acting jobs in London. I have been looking at casting call pro, and pretty soon Jobs will be coming up for April which will be when I'm in London. I can't wait. It will be nice to be somewhere permanently. I have felt that for the last year, I haven't been anywhere permanently so it will be nice and settling to feel that for the foreseeable future i will be in one place. Joy, joy. joy.

Tata.

1058.35

One thousand and fifty eight pounds and thirty five pence, this is the amount that I have paid off from my Professional Careers Development Loan, that I took out to pay for my acting course in London. The full loan is £10, 000 pounds obviously I'll end up paying more than that in the end with addage of interest. But I have been paying this loan off since September and I am pretty sure that bar rent, this is the most I have paid for anything in my life and I still have another four and half years till I have completed the payments of my loan. In fact it will probably be longer than that because I am looking in to taking out a graduate loan to pay off my PCDL and my overdraft and hopefully leave me enough money to put a deposit down on a flat. This is stressful. eek. oh well I get paid next week, and with that money I am hoping to clear my credit card, at least that will make me feel slightly better. phew, being a grown up is hard....

As I was writing this blog this song came on the T.V. and is perfect, I feel, to describe the mood:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a01QQZyl-_I

God I love Queen...and Bowie of course.

Mana.

Safety

I feel as though I have a lot to say, but have no idea how I want to express myself. I had a thought today about life that made things not necessarily clear, but that made sense to me about why certain things have become quite hard. Throughout life you are told that school is the greatest years of your life. I don't really agree with that statement, but I now what people mean. Because as you enter the world of work things that never even crept in to your mind in school days all of a sudden are abundant. Money, being the main one. But also things like friendship and the so called work/life balance become something of an importance. I personally feel that some of the best years of my life were spent at university, constantly around friends away from the parents and studying subjects that I am infinitely passionate about. But when that ended, there was no safety blanket. You are ripped away from your friends, everyone lives in different parts of the country, you end up taking jobs that you don't particularly want to do, but need to do them for the money, And when you do finally have some time to yourself, you find yourself wondering how did this happen? What am I doing with my life? Life is really hard and I am beginning to see the importance of lasting friendships and meaningful relationships, because you don't get a feeling of support and fulfilment from work, so you have to get it from somewhere. I haven't made any resolutions for this year, but if I were to set myself some goals it would be to satisfy my passions more, whether they be with people, art, acting or food. I need to concentrate on the things I like. Life is hard and relentless. And at the end of the day, if we're very lucky, we get old, I want to know that I lived my life meaningfully and not regret what I haven't done. I have spent the last few months trying to get me, my finances and my acting in order. It's now time to start living, to be independent and enjoy being human. Just because the world didn't give me a safety net doesn't mean to say I can't have a bungee rope attached to me. yeah I'll fall, but with a bit of force I'll bounce back up.

Adieu

...and by the way I'm leaving

I went to a meeting yesterday with the people that organise the workshops I do with children. They are having money problems, which is not good of course, but at the same time, I'm only going to be around for a little while longer, as soon I will be moving. Not that I told them that. I'm going to wait till February. But all the same I had to pretend that I care about the problems that the company is facing. It was awkward. But if there is one thing I have learnt in the time that I have had on this planet, that it is not always the best idea to disclose all the details of one's life. Sometimes it is better to hold back certain pieces of information, till it is essential for whom to know.

Anywhoo, I should probably talk about the old career as this is what this blog is meant to be about. I had an audition today for a play, 'Abigail's Party' it was a profit share in York. But I didn't go, I was working in the morning at the pub, and I hadn't slept that well the night before. Also, I couldn't justify the expense it would be to me,for things like getting to York for rehearsals, plus the time I would have to take off from work that I  actually get paid for. I gave myself the challenge that I would  put something new on my C.V. every month, and up until now I have managed that. But I am now looking at the bigger picture and I need to save for London, because that's where the better opportunitys are. So there we go, unless it's paid, for these next few months I will be very picky about what I audition for .

selam