The Bench Mark

I have this thing where regardless of how well I am doing or the achievements I have made, I think that there is always somebody doing it better. In truth this is probably the case. But this weekend was a bit of an eye opener for me. I was in London, filming. and when I wasn't filming I had the time to catch up with a few friends, which was lovely. However, I was surprised by how much things hadn't changed for them. Being away from them, as close readers of my blog will know has not been easy for me. I think in one of my many moany blogs about not being in London, I said that I felt like everybody else was at a party that I had been invited to, but couldn't go...I think in reality it might have been a case of the grass is always greener. In truth the acting thing has actually gone quite well for me. I am certainly not doing any worse than anybody else. Also the space and distance away from London, has given me a perspective on my life and career that I never had before. I have built myself a base career, something that can earn me money when the acting is a bit slow. Which is really important. I have also become quite savvy about the business, I'm glad I haven't just signed with the first agent that came along...it's not worth it...truth is you either have a good agent or no agent at all. There is no point in having a middle of the road agent, they will hold you back. I have built up experince in both acting and teaching, that I'm not sure I would have got in London, and I have grounded myself.

There is a lot I want to do now. When I do move back, and most of it is my own work. Stuff I can be control of. I even think I have a slight plan, as to how to start moving with it. This time at home has been really worthwhile, and in truth, I haven't missed out on that much at all in London. And maybe I should stop imagining that everybody is doing better than I am, it's not the case.

Taa Rah.

Hair

Okay, so who knew??? But the easiest and best way to do your hair is......to get somebody else to do it for you. huh...yep it's the easiest and best way...I always thought that my hair wouldn't do what I wanted it to do because I had fine, double crowned, weird hair, that wouldn't do what it's told...no turns out it's not my hair that's the problem....it's me...yep like all things vaguely artistic, I can't do it...I just don't have the knack, or the  patience, or the drive to either learn how to be good at it or just be good at it in the first place.

If you're wondering where this rather random thought process came from I will tell you. This week I am being an actress...hoorah...in a film (of all the bloomin mediums)...yup. And this entails getting my hair and make-up done....by a professional..ooo...and the professional who did my hair and make-up had the very night before, been working at the Brits doing hair and make-up...mental...anyway she was very good and literally made my hair look perfect both up and down in five minutes flat...she was an angel...or maybe just somebody who was trained, so she knew what she was doing..either way, it was amazing and I want her to follow me around everyday and make me look perfect...please?

And also I LOVE ACTING... I want to do it all the time....please the world or god or whomever, make this happen.

And here's some Gaga for your entertainment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7GWG3zT714

Sgagay

'Many Scorpio's are winners'

This sort of thing I ordinarily take with a pinch of salt, but this I quite like. It's a discription of the traits of my starsign, which of course is scorpio, and I quite like it:

Description:Reputed to be the "most powerful" sign of the zodiac, Scorpios lead fate filled lives and have intense and dramatic personal relationships. Even as children Scorpios are often found to be wise beyond their years. Many astrologers call this the sign of the "oldest souls". Old and wise beyond the average, Scorpios often know all the answers, except sometimes; they too often have difficulty finding what they need to develop their own happiness.

Passion, desire and power go hand in hand for Scorpios. Their biggest challenge and test in life is choosing between the power of love and the love of power. Coming to grips with their extraordinary emotional depths and sensitivity isn't easy for those around them. They are different from all other zodiac signs and this difference has them walking, working and loving to a different beat. Others can often live with a Scorpio partner for years, but not really know them. Much to do with a Scorpio remains ever secret. Their eyes often blaze with feelings that words never express, and beware on the days or nights they hide their feelings behind dark glasses, there is likely to be a storm of some kind brewing. When you deal with a Scorpio you have to always deal with them on a psychic intuitive level. They often wear a mask. Too often they say "no" when they really mean "yes". They have contrary natures. Once they find true love they can be the most faithful dedicated of all partners but fall out badly with a Scorpio and you are likely to find they will never forget or forgive.

Most Scorpios are winners. The main thing they have to worry about is their attitudes, which make up their mind powers and can either make or break them. When they are negative about something or someone, or critical of themselves, they can tend to get in their own way.

Scorpios operate on three levels of soul evolvement; adding up to three distinctively different types of Scorpios. The first level is the Scorpion. This is the least evolved and most drawn toward using their powers the wrong way. The criminal element of Scorpio comes under this level. Then there is the eagle - the highflying, entrepreneurial, successful Scorpio, who seems able to rise above adversity and transform bad-times into good. Then the highest expression of this sign is the Phoenix Resurrected. These Scorpios are detached and extremely powerful. They are wise beyond their years and act as leaders and are an inspiration to others. Quite frequently a Scorpio goes through the three levels of evolvement in one lifetime - but the levels can operate out of sequence.

Stupid people in pubs SLASH reataurants.

As you may or may not know as well as running drama workshops for kids that couldn't give a crap about drama, I'm also a waitress at a pub SLASH restaurant. And I thought I would share some of my thoughts about the stupid people (some people call them customers) that come into the pub SLASH restaurant. Okay, Sunday is the worst fucking day for stupid people to arrive at the pub SLASH restaurant. Mainly because they bring their stupid families with them, this will include children who will run around, get in the way, complain about the food, get in the way, shout and scream, get in the way, cry and get in the way. They will also bring old people, who will want a small portion, with the meat well done *NEWS FLASH* meat tastes shit well done, especially lamb which will become tough and then you'll complain that it was too chewy...obviously cos you wanted it cooked well done, which makes it dry and shit!! stupid! Also they will bring themselves and they WILL NOT BOOK...fookers and then complain about the wait....obviously there is going to be a wait it's busy, cos it's Sunday and unfortunately you're not the only stupid table that has brought your entire shit family out to lunch without booking so fucking deal with it. Sundays are also shit because the stupid people that come in have absolutely not thought about what they are eating, so after bringing out all of the meal, I then say "can I get you any sauces for those?" at which point one particularly stupid person on the table will pipe up with "NO", and I wait about 2 seconds and then somebody else on the table will say, "yes can we have some horseradish?" and I say "yep" and off I go to get the horseradish, I would like to add at this point that I don't mind at all going to get sauces once for a table BUT, IF WHEN I GET BACK SOMEBODY ELSE ON THAT STUPID TABLE ASKS FOR SOMETHING, I WILL GET ANNOYED because now they are holding me up. Why when I said can I get you any sauces couldn't you have thought about what you wanted then I don't know, but Sundays are full of idiots who do that. Stop holding me up, it's already busy, you were one of the tables complaining about the wait and now you are one of the many factors of a Sunday that is holding me up. You TIT. Anyway....Then we move on to the rest of the week, which in fairness isn't as bad as a Sunday. However you still get stupid people coming in with a party of 8 wanting to eat a three course meal 15 minutes before we finish serving, usually after a really quiet night, when everybody is ready to go home. Now we're going to have to stay for at least an extra hour...bloody hell.

If you want to avoid being a stupid person in a pub SLASH restaurant here is some tips from me to you:

1: Always book
2: Don't complain....unless it's really bad like there is a dead rat in it or something....we're doing our best, relax enjoy the company and don't be tight just get another drink...they'll keep you going.
3: If your family is stupid don't take them out.
4: Don't make the waitress come to your table a million times, think about what you want sauces wise...you've had plenty of time you've already complained about the wait...fuckwit
5:If you are going to complain, do it to the manager not the waitress, if it's me I couldn't care less.
6: Tip well, we're on minimum wage, doing a job that lets face it not many people would want to do.
7: If when you first walk in it's really busy, why not try somewhere else.

And there's just a few tips from me to you as to how not to be a stupid person in a pub SLASH restaurant.

Bon appetite!

Happy Now

Isn't it funny how you don't realise how down you have been till you go back up again. This week has been one of those weeks. A week where that feeling comes back the light, giddy harmonious feeling of happiness. Remembering who you are, and how fun life can be. When life is alright time goes quicker, problems seems solvable and friends are havens. I feel as though I have been hibernating since summer, I turned a part of myself off, so that I could cope with not being where I wanted to be. But now I feel like I'm waking up from a long sleep, I'm wiping the cobwebs away and seeing life again, anew.

This time has been good for me. I know that, but it's coming to an end now, and very soon I'll be starting a new chapter.

Hello life, I've missed you!

Olla!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YSxb7lP78Y&ob=av2e

BAFTA

It's never too late....is it? The BAFTAS, for an actress right at the beginning of her career, are in one way intimidating, but in another the symbol of what can be achieved. Although the BAFTAS has many people sitting in the Royal Opera House whom have been part of the ceremony before. There are also lots of recipients and partakers for whom, this time they last year, they were relatively unknown. That's reassuring. To think, that maybe just maybe the next relatively unknown person could be *whispered* me? ...who knows.

I often have to remind myself that I am only 23, sometimes I feel really old, and that I haven't done/achieved as much as I should have done. Forgetting entirely what I have achieved, and that 23 is young, it's young..it's young. I have time...hopefully...lots of it...anything is possible...relax enjoy the ride. Okay, I feel better.

And I'd like to thank the academy....

We were young

You have to remember we were young. We didn't know how to deal with it either. Sometimes life throws things it at you. You are not the first person to go through this neither will you be the last. Some people's children they have known, cared for, brought up, lived with for years, have gone. You knew this baby for less than a few months, the baby only lived in you. How can you expect others to totally understand, say the right things. You can't. No one knew this person but you. Please stop being angry, resentful. You have a child now. You must move on, please move on. I don't wish to take any of your pain away from you, but I know people who have lost their 18 year old daughter to cancer, I know somebody who has lost their only child in a car accident, I know somebody who's child committed suicide. Please stop behaving as though you are the only one that this has ever happened too. My own mother had a miscarriage, I too have a missing sibling, and more harrowing I nearly lost my own mum at the age of 5. Don't tell us we don't understand, don't highlight how much you think about your missing child. You are not the only one to deal with this situation. Move on, forgive, it wasn't meant to be, you are not the only mother that feels pain, that has lost a child. We were young.

Forever young.

The significance of insignificance

I had one of those moments today, when you see yourself through somebody else's eyes. The eek moment, when you think, 'God is that how people see me?'. Sometimes when I don't feel comfortable with people, my defence mechanism is to stay quiet and fade in to the back ground. But I had a thought today what happens if this is how people really view me, as insignificant, easily forgettable, that girl..".oo what's her name". It's scary, and I know to a lot of people I am far more important than that, but still every now and then, that thought registers. Usually when I have been rejected, either as a friend, girlfriend, actor...whatever. and then I feel guilty, how many people have I rejected, written off, or simply forgotten purely cos I had failed to register them. I only have to go down my list of friends on facebook, to know how many people I have failed to actively remember. I'd like to say sorry, to all those people. Everybody is interesting and has something to offer in their own significant way. and I hope I am not just 'that girl' in too many people's eyes.

Kel.

Thank you January 2012

Phew, January is over. I have been quite scared of January ever since January 2009 came along and plunged the entire year into disarray. 2009 was by far one of the worst years of my entire life and every month brought it's own devastating and difficult troubles. But January was by far the worst month. Therefore when 2010 came around it could only get better, and it did. 2011 was so busy I hardly even noticed it. But this January was again a bit of a struggle. Before I left drama school I told everybody that I would go home to earn a bit of money and then move back after Christmas, either January of February. Obviously that didn't happen, for a number of reasons, but regardless that didn't happen. So January felt like a bit of a detour this year. Again I ran out of money, I blame Christmas for that, and didn't really manage to see many of my friends. I have been working loads this month. Not doing acting, but planning and running workshops and being at the pub. And although that was totally rubbish, it was quite nice once payday finally did come around. Now I am excited for February. The hotel and train tickets are booked for our stay in London so we can go flat searching, and this month the preparation jobs are: to get a settlement figure for my PCDL, get a graduate loan to pay off the PCDL and overdraft, hand in my resignation for the drama workshops and arrange viewings for seeing flats. Exciting times coming up, and February allows me to feel like it is finally all going to happen.

And on the acting front, I start filming my first short film at the end of February. We are shooting in Leeds and London, so all being well, it should be some nice footage for the old showreel.

Peace out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rjp3qaRLFLc