Chirpy Chirpry Cheep Cheep

The title of this post is from a song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4pX-IagjKw

Sometimes it's nice just to be silly. I think in hindsight that is what Christmas is about. I mean, I know technically we're celebrating the birth of  'The baby Jesus'. But if you're not very religious you can get quite carried away with the whole buying presents thing..or eating thing..or drinking thing...but really isn't it just a big expensive, over hyped excuse to spend time with the people you love...your family I think they're called. I've seen most of my extended family now, and in all honesty that has been the best bit of the whole festive season. My family have had quite a tough time over the last couple of years, and it's amazing how long it takes people to get over things where in which the actual event lasted only seconds. It was the first time I saw everybody and thought that they were okay. Okay seems like an insignificant word to describe what I mean, but it takes a lot for people to just be okay at times. Anywhoo. Horah for people coming out of the other side. So lets just enjoy the company and dance to a silly song.

Da boch.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Ooo I finally feel in the  festive mood. hurrah. This morning I didn't even mind listening to all the Christmas songs that the music channels play constantly. I love Christmas. I always have. Which is good  I suppose because I think you're meant to. There is no other time of the year that even comes close. I love that all the family comes round. I love the food. I love the wine.....and I love the presents. hehe. Yay, IT'S CHRISTMAS.

Yesterday I went to the hairdressers and had my hair done. Which is a huge treat for me, because I can't really afford it. So that was nice. Plus the hairdresser was talking about getting her turkey out of the freezer, which isn't the most glamorous part of Christmas, but I quite like the thought of that anyway. I like what I call 'grown up' details about life. I was thinking, when I was driving back from the hairdressers, when will be the first time that I cook a Christmas dinner. Not that I want to take that job away from my mum as she is very good at it. But I like imagining things like that. And when I got home I watched a Christmas cookery  programme with my mum and that made me feel all festive as well.

Today I am going to clean my bedroom and bathroom, wash what ever I have left to wash of my clothes and make sure I have something nice to wear on Christmas day,  and then I will be all prepared. I am working Christmas eve, so I just have to get through that shift and then that is, it will be CHRISTMAS. yay.

Merry Christmas everyone.

To my Little Donkey

Christmas is getting closer. eee, I'm looking forward to it. This year is strange though. It's the first year without Zebedee. (Zebedee being our family dog). He died on the 27th December last year, and he loved Christmas. It's funny how a dog can become such a big part of a family.  But they really do. Zebedee was such a gentle thing, very loving and a real character. He has been sadly missed this year. We got a new dog in February, she's a Yorkshire Terrier called 'Roxy', and is very different to Zebbie. she has gone someway to replacing that void. But you never can really replace anything living. Because whether they are animal, human, plant. we are all very different and unique. But 'Roxy is lovely and very cute, she's also really puppyish and Zebedee never really was so that's interesting.

Anyway I think I will raise a special toast to Zebedee this Christmas, gone but most certainly not forgotten.

Chuu

Impatience is a virtue?

My mind has flown away leaving my body on earth. Again. I can't relax I'm edgy, bored and snappy. My mind is so far removed from reality. I need to get away, and play a few things out in actual reality. I hate waiting, I want to do it all NOW. However at least impatience allows me to know what I want. What I really want.

 I can't stand people asking me about what I'm doing at the moment. I want to say "just filling in time, till I can start my life properly". But I end up trying to make it sound worthwhile. Oh god I wish people would just go away. I hate it when I get like this. Restless. So annoying. Truth be known I need a break from myself. Weird for me to say that, especially as I am someone who needs so much personal space. But right now, I want to be with anyone but me. someone save me.

Pamun.

Contentment

I am warm, healthy, driven, loved, lucky, forceful, interesting, imaginative, educated, kind, humorous and accomplished...

sometimes when things are fine, I don't feel the need to take note, to blog, to talk to anyone, even to go out. Contentment allows me to just be...is this okay? I think it is. I've been thinking something lately, if I had everything I want would I be happy. I visualised the moment. Having it, it all. and you know what? It terrified me. What would I live for. If I had everything I wanted, what else would there be to want? And then I realised I am at my most happy when I am in pursuit of something, anything. It can be something small...the perfect top to something big, a meaningful life. But in truth I like having things to achieve. And therefore right now I am okay, I am content, I hate to say I'm Happy in case karma comes and bites me in the ass. But I am I'M HAPPY so there. Now do your worst Karma.

And I really must frame my certificates and diplomas and degree and every other achievement I have hiding in a box somewhere, as I forget what I have already achieved so easily. I want the achievements to be around me when the struggles and bad days happen, as a reminder of what is and has been achieved.

Ade.

The end somewhere outside of Brimham Rocks.

Yesterday I nearly died...I'm being dramatic, but still. I was driving to Crakehall from The pub that I work at, and the sat nav took me via Brimham Rocks where it was very snowy and my car swerved all the way to the right and then all the way to the left, with the choice between either hitting a wall or going over a drop. Luckily I managed to regain control of the steering, but still for a good few seconds I honestly thought I was going to crash the car.
I started my blog like this because for the last week, and a bit, I have been very busy driving from one type of work to another, with hardly a moments rest. Therefore nearly killing myself in that sense too. I enjoyed last week it was hard but made me feel as though I was getting somewhere with the acting thing. I actually got an agency to come and see some of my work in Manchester. They didn't sign me, but to be honest I wasn't expecting them to. They're looking for black men (like most of the agencies) but still they were a good agency... and they came to see me. Hoorah. They know I exist, and that can only be a hop, skip and a jump away from getting another good agency to come and see my work and actually sign me. And if I'm being completely honest I want a London based agent, as I will be moving to London next year. So thank you Manchester for giving me a bit of a lift, but it would have been awkward to sign up here anyway.

I'm taking a break from auditioning this month, I need to save my pennies for Christmas now. and I also need to rest my acting brain. I need money...still. And as most of the work I get is unpaid, I need both the financial support behind me and the drive to go out and do high standard work for free. The last showcase I did in Manchester knackered me out a bit really.

This week I started to get in to my 'let's get organised mood' which usually starts with tidying and clearing my room. I feel I need a day that is just dedicated to tidying/organising my room and life. I want to file things properly, sort out all my receipts for future tax returns. And decide upon a few details about the London move. A much needed day off is required for all this...hmm, for now, back to work.

Hawijo

Brighton Rock

This weekend I met up with my friends from Uni in Brighton. It was wicked, so nice to see everyone again. I  was so surprised by how much people hadn't changed. In fact I was rather proud of myself really, in the sense that I had made such a nice group of friends. Just people who are really easy to be around. The type where you don't have to think about what you are going to say you can just be. It was very nice.

Infact I have collected some very nice people in my lifetime. I am quite a good judge of character (that's not me blowing my own trumpet, it's just a fact). I have a sense for people, and if I sense that you're not my kind of person, I just can't be myself. But that's not a problem because the people that I can be myself around are awesome, I just wished I lived a bit nearer to them all. But that's life I suppose.

I was in Leeds and Manchester yesterday for two rehearsals. One for a showcase in Manchester which is on Thursday and the other for a short Film that I, that starts filming early next year. It was a really good day actually, it made me feel like a proper Actor, instead of a waitress or a workshop leader. Actually the last few days have been really good for me in reminding me of the person that I am. I hate to have to define myself by a job, but acting is one of the only things that I can sonsistently do well. Other things I lose interest in or get bored with, but acting I get and love to put the work in for and I actually get a lot out of it. It's like my own little bit of thearpy. And my friends are just great, so hooray for the last few days.

Also, I have a couple of days off now, which is rare, but also really needed. It's nice to have time to recharge my batteries a bit, especially before a performance.

So things have been good with me the last few days....and i'm still working out the workshop thing. I think I will put up with it till I move back to london and then have a bit of a rethink. But that's far to depressing to think about while I am in such a good mood.

Khush

The Cracks

I'm not sure I like working with children. There I've said it or typed it which is almost the same. I'm doing these performing Arts workshops in Primary Schools. But to be honest I'm not enjoying it and it's becoming a bit of a ball ache. All of this is very annoying because if I rule out working with children I am really limiting  options when it comes to making a career out of drama. But hey, I don't like it and maybe therefore I should just accept that and find something else to make me a bit of extra money...hmm...this needs a bit of thought me thinks.

On the up side the showcase I am doing in Manchester is going well, and I even have some agents coming to see it, so you never know...

And this weekend I am going to Brighton which I am really looking forward to. The train ride will give me time to think as well. Right best get on with packing.

 Ayoo

Caravan of Love

I have just finished watching a behind the scenes programme about the making of 'The Royle Family'. And it has reminded me of the type of actor that I would like to be. People often ask me what my goal is with the whole acting malarkey, and I always say something rather general like I'd just like to do good work. But if I had a real goal it would be to be in something like the 'The Royle Family'. That is what I want to do.

 I need to start formulating a plan for getting good work, and being in work that inspires me. I'm starting to get doubts about the whole thing, and less than a year out of drama school that is not very good. My car broke down this week which left me unable to get to one of my jobs, and apart from that being very annoying it also meant that I lost out on the money...eek. Not exactly good when you are as broke as I am. And this lead me to thinking about what I would do in the future if something happened that left me unable to work. Say I got ill, or I just couldn't travel or anything really...what is my fall back position? I have no real job security, the work I do at the moment is all dependant on me actually working those hours in order to get paid. It scared me. So I need a plan. And a good one.

I would really like to set up my own theatre company, maybe write, but mostly do really good work, with really good people. I don't want to compromise my dreams so early, but I'm starting to fear the uncertainty.

I hate that everything comes down to money. And I hate to keep going on about it. But it seems to me that you have to have money in order to make money, which is awkward to say the least.

Well anyway at least I have remembered the type of acting I like doing. Drama School as useful as it was, I feel kind of took me away from that, but I think I will make a start on creating my own work, at least it will give me a focus, and mean that I don't have to rely on other peoples work to give me what I am craving.

Thanks Craig Cash and Caroline Aherne.

See you later Alligator.

Up, up,up

I know it's only Tuesday but I feel like I have had a really good week. Well to be honest I don't really have normal weeks. I can't actually remember the last time I had a full day off. I suppose it's because the type of work that I do revolves around entertaining people in some shape and form. and therfore the time most people have off I am working and the time that most people have off I am working. I don't really mind that, but it does mean that the life I lead is a bit opposite to everybody else. meh oh well.

Work wise this week has been particularly good. I was conatacted by an agent,I have a really good showcase coming up in Manchester (which i have invited lots of industry people too). I got a part in a short film, which is excellent becasue it means that I can start putting footage together for a showreel. Oo and I have an audition tomorrow for a panto in manchester. So things are quite nice at the mo...

Also, and whisper it quietly, I have found a rather promising speed dating night in leeds. Me and my friend are going to go. It's the first one I found that is for the age group 21-29. Most of them are for 30 -50 or worse 20-40. I don't particularly want to go to yet another place that is full of over excited forty year old divorced men. I could go to any pub/bar/club if i wanted that!

Yes so things are nice today.

Oo and I have a new favourite song. It's sung by Slow Moving Millie and is a cover of The Smiths 'let me get what I want'. It's lovely:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8j4hg9VrYX4

Taa rah.

To sign or not to sign?

A very pressing question at this precise moment. I have been approached by an agent well more accurately I sent a letter to many agents when I was in Macbeth, and none of them showed the slightest bit of interest. However, one of the members of the cast knows this agent and when they were in his office the other day saw my C.V. on the side and mentioned that he knew me and arranged a meeting for Friday (which I can't do as it clashes with an audition). Now this is good, it is positive...I know. BUT, the agency is based in Bolton and as I randomly clicked on the some of their clients they had either not worked at all this year, or had done very small insignificant jobs. Now I know that I won't get a great agent straight away but one based in London or Manchester would be good. Plus I need to know that they have good contacts, I need to know that the work I'll be put forward for is much better quality than I could ever get for myself. And most importantly my gut instinct is not good.......BUT, will this be the only agent that approaches me...ever? Am I cutting off my Nose despite my face? Will I regret this in the future? should I just meet him anyway?....I need to have a proper think.

Anywho that is where I am with my career at the mo. I can't remember if I mentioned it on here but I have a showcase coming up in Manchester, which merges new writers and new actors, and my script is cool, so that might bring something good.

In other news I finally tracked down a coat that I have wanted ever since the River Island splurge day. It was in another shop but wasn't in my size, I kept checking online, I even had my Mum checking other stores in Selby. Anyway this story ends with me going into Northallerton and asking there, at which point the woman rang Harrogate and they had the coat in my size. And would hold it till the end of the day. Brilliant I thought. so I went and taught my lesson in a school. Came out and at this point it was 4.25 I was pretty sure that the shop closed at 5:30. So I tapped into my sat nav Harrogate and then discovered it was 40 miles away. So I drove like a mad woman and finally arrived in Harrogate at 5:20. I then parked and ran (actually ran) through Victoria Car park, through the hall thing that passes over the train line through TK Max and down two escalators. The Escalators down to the shop I was going in had already stopped and when I got in the woman said they were shut, and i was like" no I have a coat saved". Anywho she let me buy it with the only till that was still open, and I left feeling slightly daft but mostly quite smug. And when I got it home and tried it on, I discovered it was missing a button! Gah! I think I can fix it though. Pff.

Well I should now get ready for work now.

Au revoir.

A bit about the acting

I thought I should blog about my work, even though I set this blog up as a way to talk about work that hasn't really happened so I thought I should at least mention it. This week I have two auditions both for short films, neither of which will pay me, however if I get them I will be able to add it to a potential showreel, so happy days. I am also going to (potentially) be in a showcase in Manchester, it uses work by new writers and will be in association with World Aids Day. It will be in Manchester City Centre so there might be a chance that an Agent would come to it. I suppose I will have to watch this space. Also I have started running stage school workshops on a Saturday, so we shall see how that works out.

London is edging ever closer, I need to start saving money again. I had a splurge in River Island this week, which has resulted in some very nice clothes but a very poorly bank account. So I will yet again be battening down the hatches, in order that I can at least have some money in my bank account.

Ciao for now.

For the departed

I have just finished watching a clip of my beautiful friend on BBC News talking about the loss of her Mum, and the work that her mum had done in her lifetime and an autobiography that is coming out about her life. And it got me thinking about death and loss (a cheery subject, I know). This above all things is my greatest fear. I have had the misfortune of knowing a lot of people in my life who have died. A large number being the same age as me at the time that they died. From being seven years old every two to three years I will lose someone, and I think it has affected me quite strongly. I am overly aware of both my own and other peoples mortality. I often find it difficult to tell people how much I care about them, but then I think the people who you care about the most, you don't have to tell, as it's already known. Speaking those feelings seems in some way to diminish the feeling itself, as language (as beautiful as it is) could never convey the actual emotion. I once saw a film, and I helpfully can neither remember the name of the film or who was in it, but there was an old lady in it explaining to child who had just asked "why do people have to die?" and the old Lady explained "that everyone has to die, otherwise how would you know that you loved them?". An interesting concept, I often rather morbidly think of the people that I love the most dying, what would I do without them? That's how I know if I really love someone, because I think about the loss of them. Life is big and small in equal measure it is hugely profound to give life, to live life and be a living thing, but life itself is made up of tiny moments, mundanities and chores. No wonder we get so confused by it all. Anyway I commend all the people who have lost special people to them, it's hard and we are all brave for carrying on, here's to people who are no longer with us...gone but not forgotten! xxx

And a Happy Birthday to me!

Well today it is my Birthday. I am 23 and about to embark on another year of my life. Horaah! Birthdays are nice they allow you to look back, gather your thoughts, get in touch with people and look to the future. I like looking to the future, I always have. It's nice to imagine a life that is slightly more like what I think life should be like. even if it doesn't turn out quite the way I expect it too. I enjoy setting myself the challenge of going for something that I really want and watching and experiencing it manifesting in a way that I could never have imagined it too. Of course the short term goal at the moment is to get out of my immediate debt. I'm nearly there, I have almost paid off my credit card and just need to get out of the bit of my overdraft that the bank charge me for, and then I can start living a bit more freely. Moving to London is starting to become a reality now. I introduced the people that I want to live with to each other this weekend, and that went well. It might not actually be that all three of us end up living together but, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Yes, all is coming together I am back teaching this week, and working at the pub. And I have a couple of auditions coming up for short films, which if I get I can start putting together a showreel, to satisfy another craving which is to get an agent ( a good one preferably) anywhoo that is another bridge yet to be crossed. Onwards into the 24th year of my life.

Toodles.xxx

Waiting for my chance to come

New favourite song courtesy of Noah and the Whale:


Well I'm just waiting for my chance to come
Just a silhouette against the rising sun
Watch the water, watch the sky
Count the days as they go by
I'm just waiting for my chance to come

Well it takes real guts to be alone
Going head to head with the great unknown
But there is no sweeter sound, on the kings round I'm bound
And just waiting for your chance to come

'Cause it's hard to feel like, you're worth something in this life
When you're walking next to me, I can hear my body speak
We're just waiting for a chance to come
We're just waiting for a chance to come

Your immortal smile is burned in me
When I close my eyes its all see
Among the canyons and the stars
You're the guide inside my heart
I'm just waiting for my chance to come

And you're just looking for a way outta here
Yeah, a way to see this old life all disappear
Take a gamble on your heart, it will lead you through the dark
You're just waiting for your chance to come

'Cause it's hard to feel like, you're worth something in this life
When you're walking next to me, I can hear my body speak
We're just waiting for a chance to come
We're just waiting for a chance to come

And no one's gunna get in my way
Gunna figure it out for myself
Yeah no one's gunna make me stay
Gunna figure it out for myself

'Cause I don't need nothing
I'm just waiting for my chance to come

We are who we are

When do we become the person we think we should be? Do we ever? It seems to me it's not so much who you are, but who you are around other people. And more to the point how we change around different people. There are some people that I can be totally, utterly and blissfully myself around, and others that I simply can't...not such a bad thing, I think if anything it is a defense mechanism. However after a prolonged period time, it's hard to remember who I am. After all I am a bit weird...it's not as though I can be summed up in a few vague adjectives. I have a cracking sense of humour (around some people) and at the same time I am guilty of taking myself too seriously...I hate being teased...I hate being second guessed...I hate being wrong...and I hate people telling me who I am. I'm complicated, I know that...I can be difficult, stubborn and opinionated...but at the same time I quite like being these things. It has made me strong, I'm not untouchable but I have grown a thick skin. So here's to being me...and to embracing the people I can be myself around...they are my therapy. Thank God they exist.

A lift

Things are looking and feeling better. These last few days I have been feeling a lot more positive. I have begun to feel free, for the first time in a long time. I think I'm learning how to be a young twenty something, that is back living in her home town. After living for the last four years at a hares pace, I am starting to learn how to live at a tortoises pace. I think the thing to do is embrace not having anything that important to do. I've never been able to do that before. I have always been worried about work that I have to get in. Or how the decisions I make now will affect my future. But now I kind of feel I have done all I can do in the training section of forging out a future career. From here on it's about making enough money to live on, so that I can be independent, and be able to have some form of a happy life. Whether this is doing what I really want to do, or not. It seems that this is what I will be doing anyway, so I may as well embrace it. I'm looking forward to being able to go out and just have fun, and not worry that I will be wasting a day being hung-over. Because to be fair, my job isn't all that taxing, I could probably do it asleep. So the idea of just being able to what I want when I want is quite nice. Plus I start rehearsals for the play that I am in, in a weeks time. So that has made me feel better as well. Any who, thought I would do a happy non-ranty post for once. I wanted not to mention the money situation, but I failed there any way it's all looking up!! hoorah!!

Fated to Pretend

I am currently doing what can only be described as actors research...In that I spend my entire working life pretending to be someone that I am not. When I get to the Pub I take on this weird personality, which I'm not actively trying to be it just comes out. I worked out at university that if I can't say what I think I have nothing to say...this was okay at university because I was around people who understood me, and who were intelligent enough to realise when I was joking or being quirky. Which for me is most of the time. But at the Pub this is not the case, Possibly it is my fault for not coming out of my shell more, but I think I have quite a good radar for spotting people whom I can be myself around, and those that I simply can not. At the Pub I adopt a personality that is a) a lot simpler than I really am, b) a lot more boring than I really am and c) a lot less opinionated than I am really am. Infact what I am at the pub is someone who wants to be invisible, ignored and probably more truthfully doesn't want to be there. Someone asked me the other day, if this was my only job " God NO" I wanted to say. But I had to be somewhat respectful of the people for whom this was their only Job. (It is not my only Job, I also run workshops for primary school children, but this is by the by). Anywho I have decided to think of it as acting research, we do get all sorts in there, customers and Staff alike, and in a way it is interesting to be around them. I could never live the way they do, but most of them seem happy, and as long as they leave me alone to get on with my robot like work, I will carry on being this stupid, placid uninteresting person. Who knows it might even come in useful one day.

On the money front, I still haven't been paid for the corporate acting work I did over a month ago now. Apparently it's my fault for giving my invoice in late. I would just like to point out that I did not know that I had to do an invoice till she asked where mine was. I'm not psychic, it was my first job ( which she knew) she should have told me. Anyway, it means I can't make my next loan repayment. Also my job at the pub paid me significantly less than what I was expecting. So I am currently being royally fucked from all angles at them moment.

Yes anyway, as I have already mentioned above I have a new job doing drama workshops for primary school children. It's hard work but far more interesting than the pub, plus it gives me a chance to be a bit bossy, which is nice because it gets some of my aggression out. Plus I quite enjoy planning the sessions.

Also, I am about to start learning my lines for Macbeth, so there is some proper acting to get my teeth into. Woohoo. And I have decided to pay for CCP monthly, I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms, plus it means that the Corporate acting work can't annoy any more than they already have. Because I wanted the money that they were meant to pay me for the yearly subscription, but whatever.

I also need to book a train ticket down to Brighton, I need to do it soon before the fares go up. I might have to ask the parentage for that one.

Anywho that is it me for now!! Here's a link to Time to Pretend enjoy!
http://youtu.be/B9dSYgd5Elk

Much better

Well it is now less than a week till payday! whoop! and yesterday I went to York and spent all of my hard earned tips on some new cosmetics, Lovely. Also, I have some more work coming up. Next week I do a tester for teaching drama workshops, and I have some penciled in dates for work doing the Corporate acting. So hopefully that will go ahead as that will mean some lovely monies before Xmas. Yesterday, I got the second part of the script for the play that I am in in October and I have just sent off my details for costume, so that looks as though it is all going ahead. On top of all this I also have a few days off from the pub, which is nice it gives me a breather, and a chance to remember that there is more out there than just that.

It's my birthday next month aswell, which is a bit weird as I will be 23, not sure how I feel about that.  I'm looking forward to the indulgence of it. I haven't really had much of a birthday these last few years. I always asked for money because I was away at Uni, but now that I am earning my own, I'm going to ask for little treats. Music that i like, a handbag, DVDs and just nice things really. Also, I have some friends coming to visit me, so I am looking forward to that.

Hopefully, nothing will be as hard from now on. I feel like I am coming out the other side. There are lots of things to look forward to now. And if I just keep working hopefully I will be able to move back to London in no time....

Also i have discovered the joys of cooking, in the last few days I have made; a cake, apple crumble and garlic Mayonnaise to go with Scampi and Chips. I don't claim to have made the Scampi and chips but give me time!! lol!!

Oo and for the corporate work I did before, I so did not realise that I had to do an Invoice...pah...hilarious no wonder they didn't pay me. Oh my gosh...this is why I need an agent/accountant.

And I have discovered this, it is from Nicola Roberts new album Cinderella's Eyes....I've always liked Miss Roberts since she came out with the make-up range for really pale people...such as my self. here is a song that I like so much it is called Sticks + stones.

Ciao for now

http://youtu.be/yHYETPdykkU

When the hell is payday?????

I'm going to have a moan...I feel low. I think mainly because I have NO MONEY, I have done what feels like loads of work and because I started right at the end of August I of course don't get paid till the end of sept. That's five weeks on top of all of last year, which literally bled me dry. On top of this my loan repayments for my PCDL began today, which will run for the next FIVE YEARS, plus my CCP membership has run out so I can't apply for any paid work now till the end of September. Also I got my credit card bill which of course I can't pay till I get paid, I owe my family and friends loads of money. It's so fucking annoying I’m doing everything I can to make money. I have got essentially four jobs and still no f***ing money. Apart from tips, which doesn't amount to that much anyway, plus I’m not putting those in the bank account, because I have run out of nearly all my cosmetics and I’m going with my Mum to York on Wednesday and plan to go and buy myself some new mascara. It sounds pathetic I know, but it's all I have to look forward to these days. I made a promise to myself that I would not do anything this month that doesn't surround making money, but the whole thing makes me feel like shit. Anyway, whatever...

My friend is pissing me off as well; she manages to word things in such an argumentative tone. She's one of those people who doesn't mean to cause offense but she really does. Stupid... and what's most annoying is that ordinarily I wouldn't let small things like these upset me. But because I am at home all the time, working in a job that I couldn't give a shit about. I feel like I’m missing out. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE IN LONDON, I feel like I’m missing out on one long party, everyone else is independent, has their own money and their own life. And I’m back living with my parents in the back of beyond with no one to talk to other than a rather hyperactive Yorkshire Terrier. Who right now I should be out on a walk with and not ranting on this but hey ho.

And I think I’m fat, I’m not fat, but I feel fat. I'm definitely not the 8st 4oz that I claim to be on spotlight. I tried to do some Yoga yesterday and only really succeeded in pulling a muscle in my spine, doing the snail pose...Jesus I can't even get that right.

Sorry about this post, I’m sure in a few days time when I’m feeling better, or when I have been paid, I will read this back and feel massively embarrassed...but anyway for now this is my declaration to the internet about how crap I’m feeling...

Toodles

Pootling along

I'm not sure if 'pootle' is a real word...but if it is i like and think it is underused. Well I've had a fairly uneventful few days. I am back working at the Wellington which is good because it means I'm earning money, but that is about it really. I am now doing rooms as well as waitressing, which is okay, but not exactly the dream. However, I have got an interview set up to teach drama workshops for Kids and possible radio work in Manchester, so it is not all bad.

I can't wait to have enough money to move back to London. Although it will be difficult once I'm down there finding secondary work, but hey ho. I'm sure I'll manage. I'm also a bit bored up here...I miss going out and seeing people. I don't have many friends up here anymore and as I am perpetually single, it's all very boring. plus I'm trying to loose weight at the mo, so I don't even have food as a comfort. I'm debating whether or not to join a dating website, app guardian soul mates is meant to be quite good. But I'm not sure if i want to admit to being that desperate yet...anyway I'll keep you posted.

Well i think that's about me for the moment...I'll carry on pootling...

And back up North

I had a lovely few days in London. Work was interesting and I felt like I really learnt a lot from doing that job.

I didn't realise how much I missed being around other Actors till I was around everybody again. People where I live in the north don't really have any concept of my life and the work I do. It's not their fault I don't expect people to really get it. I'm not sure if I even understand the complexities of life as an actor, but at least I feel less alone when I am around people who really do understand it. Plus there aren't that many acting opportunities up here. Really I'm living at home to try and get out of the enormous amount of debt that I am in. And I have to keep reminding myself of that, and that I have a way out, otherwise I think I will start to get a bit depressed.

Any who it's time for some lunch me thinks and then I may tidy my room. It's a total mess, but that's because all my worldly possessions are in there, as after living away from home for 4 years I have acquired a lot of stuff, and my room at home was never empty, so finding a place for everything is more that challenging, but I will persevere.

Waiting

I seem to spend a lot of my life waiting for things. Not that I'm complaining I quite enjoy the time and space to think, But I have come to realise that patience really is a virtue. One of the most difficult things about being an actor is not knowing what you're doing next, and waiting for the next job. But as I have found today sometimes there is nothing and then things happen all at once... I hope it continues to go well....I suppose I'll have to wait and see!!

Back to London

I am now in London for a few days to do some work. I have only been away from London for a few weeks but already it feels different. I want so much to move back, but I simply can't afford it. I really like London because I feel independent here, it feels as though this is where my life should be, hopefully some day it will be permanently but for the moment I am just a visitor.

I am staying with my old flatmates, which is very nice of them. I hope they don't get annoyed when I have to get up at 5 tomorrow morning in order to be there in time. Oh well, it's only a few days I suppose.

Right I'm going to listen to French and Saunders on listen again.

Speak soon.

Here we go

Hello,

This is something that I have wanted to do for a while now, but like everything that I try I have spent a long time procrastinating and not doing it. Infact, I'm procrastinating right now. I am supposed to be practising lines for a job I'm doing on tuesday, but obviously I am not doing that I'm starting a blog.

I hope I will be good at this and if not good then at least I don't forget about it and stop writing.

I am an Actress and I have just left drama school. I'm attempting to find work, an agent, money and a life. hmm...one step at a time me thinks.

Anywho, hello other bloggers and readers, here we go...