Feelings

Today, I arrived back in Romford. Not entirely successfully. I pretty much cried all the way back on the train, then cried again this evening, Throughout the whole of a Christmas carol. And why? well who knows. I think it was a combination of not wanting Christmas to be over, not wanting to go back to romford and do temping jobs again, and being a bit over tired. Also I find this time of year quite difficult, we as a family have had a few very bad late Decembers/early Januarys, and if truth be told, I am a bit afraid of leaving everybody at this time. I hope all will be well this year, but I have a bad feeling, hopefully I am wrong and all will be well...

Panto Tour

Well with three days left of the tour and only nine performances left to do, it's probably a good time to write about it. It has been an experience for sure. We have been touring around community centres, care homes and social clubs. And when I found out I would be touring to mainly old people in nursing homes I thought I would hate it, but in fact it has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. We have been working six days a week with three performances a day, and all the travel in between. So it has been knackering. But was has struck me is just how much audiences get out of these performances. Yes we have had a few people who haven't exactly enjoyed it, but you'd probably get that anywhere. Most people are just really happy that people have come to entertain them, and give them some time. We have had some lovely comments, and some hilarious ones, but I will save them for another time.

What I have found quite reassuring about visiting lots of care homes, is that there are some really good ones. There are also some really bad ones. But for a person who is so used to looking forward to the future, to suddenly be flung into somewhere where there isn't much of a future, they are literally at the end. I have found it quite hard to begin with. But I suppose old age comes to us all in the end. And maybe it's not too much of a bad thing to really think about how you might want to live out your last few days. There are some truly excellent homes, in lovely houses with people who really care. I have been quite touched by there generosity, one home even gave us a big tin of celebrations...nom. Of course nobody wants to end up in a home, but take it from someone with VERY high standards when it comes to things like these, there are some excellent ones in the west and north Yorkshire area, For family members or even yourself, give me a bell and I'll give you the low down on some of them if you're interested.

Anywhoo, in conclusion I have loved the tour, and really want to get some more acting work in the new year, I have loved it.

Merry Christmas.

Panto Time

'Panto time is here again'...but this time it's my actual Job. YAY. We start rehearsals tomorrow and start touring on Saturday, which is all very exciting and after three months of mind numbingly boring day jobs I am more than ready for the challenge. HOWEVER...I have lost my voice, and with seven solos and two or three shows a day, I am slightly concerned. I am hoping that my voice will be back in time for performances, but who knows. Then again judging by how this year has gone in general nothing has been simple so maybe this is yet another hiccough that i am going to have to get through.

I am back at my parents house at the moment as the Panto is in Leeds. So I have had to leave my little flat in Romford till after Xmas. Which is strange, I like my life in London it's fun and comfy, and for the first time when I came up on the train on Saturday and looked out of the window at the terraced houses, fields and fog, the North did not feel like home. Later I went to the Playhouse that i used to be part of in Pateley Bridge, and again for the first time, I couldn't wait to leave. I didn't like the play, I found the people to be small minded, and I felt too big for the space. A little bit like when you go back to your primary school, you remember everything to be a lot bigger, but through adult eyes it looks small. I remember a time when I tried so hard to become a part of that Playhouse but now it's just part of my childhood. I haven't been in a play there since I went to University in 2007, and since then I have finished my degree, finished drama school and had a couple of years of living as an actor. and although I have been back numerous times since 2007, this time it felt different. Or maybe it is the same and I am different, either way It's not for Sarah any more.

Anywho in other news I went to see Nativity 2 on Friday, it's not as good as the first one but worth a go. Here's a song from the first one to get you in a christmassy mood:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiJCVlf4IE0

Birthday for the 24th time

Yesterday marked my 24th Birthday, and to be honest I'm not sure what to think about it. I think 24 is still young? yeah 24 is still young. I have felt really alive and completely exhausted this week all at the same time, in fact today I phoned in sick to one of my nursery postings. I had a couple of days booked off this week anyway, and I figured one more wouldn't do any harm. Plus, I worked out that after this week my next day off will be Christmas day, which is a rather sobering thought. And also as I have a rather long acting assignment coming up, I don't want to become run down before I have even started it.

Also rather excitingly I have my birthday party to execute, which this year is a murder mystery night. I need to buy the food, decorate the room, organise the running of the actual murder thing and decorate myself all by Saturday night. But I am excited about it, and I have some ace people coming, actors mainly who will be spiffing.

My parents came down to visit me yesterday and brought all my presents down, I felt very spoilt. I am so fortunate to have so many people who actually give a damn about me. This year in many respects has been quite difficult for me, so it's nice to feel as though I am moving forward and that I have the backing of all these lovely and generous people. long live the big family.

yes life is nice at the moment...

We're just ordinary people

Last night i met people i trained to be an actor with. It was strange and nice all at the same time. Most of the time i don't see other actors which consequently means i end up spending a lot of time with people that  aren't actors, which is good, but i do feel bit of an outsider. A lot of the work i do is temporary cover, which means that i go to a lot of workplaces where people don't really know how to treat me and when i tell them i'm an actor they are interested but i can tell they don't really get it, which is fine, i don't really expect them to get it. But being back with actors is nice, hearing about their day jobs, and what little acting tidbits they have found. Also it is nice to be around people who understand the temping thing, you don't have to pretend it's fine around those people, you can just be and compare stories. It is also nice to know that i am still on a parr with them all, no better , no worse. which is great. Again being away from acting peeps, i lose sight of how i'm doing. And it's very easy to think that everybody is doing better. Not the case.

Quiet enough to blog

Hello, long time no speak. I haven't been blogging very much recently, not sure why. I have actually been working quite a lot lately. Doing various temping things on reception, a bit of admin, and some events stuff. I was at the classical Brit awards on Tuesday, waitressing. I'm not mad keen on the events thing, I don't really like working evenings, but at least the jobs are interesting and invariably there is someone famous there, which is fun, I saw Andrew Lloyd Webber on Tuesday.

I have also got another acting job lined up for November, it's a short film, and it's paid which is very exciting.  I am currently trying to collect footage from the other short films that I have featured in, so that I can get my showreel together. This is proving to be a bit tricky. I am also attempting to do my tax return this week, which is also proving to be a bit tricky , as I have never done one before, I'm not really sure if I'm doing right...eek.

I am currently on my own in the flat as I am working in the evening today and my flatmates are working in the day. Which is nice. It's given me a bit of space to think. You know that phrase 'I couldn't even hear myself think' that's how I feel sometimes. I very often come home after everyone else, and when they are in the T.V. is always on, usually with them watching something mind numbing, or with a heavy laughter track. Don't get me wrong I don't mind a bit of mind numbing T.V. but not all the time....and I HATE stuff with laughter tracks on it, they are the worst...ergh. I had a bit of a blow out last night, I wasn't even in that bad a mood, I just wanted to be away from people. And when I got in the T.V. was blaring out, one of my flatmates was cooking, even though she got home an hour before me, so why she couldn't have cooked then i don't know, also she was using my baking tray, meaning that I couldn't even cook at the same time. These are petty things, but sometimes I just need space, and quiet.

Anyway, aside from all that things are actually okay at the moment, I still have no money, but hey ho, no change there, and I would like a slightly more active social life but small steps, I'm sure these things will come.

I'm going to get Glastonbury tickets at the weekend, well I hope too anyway, and that will give me something to look forward too. yay.

Right I best decide what I am going to eat before my shift tonight.

Toodles.

Acting up

Well hasn't it been a long time since i have blogged. I think i felt like i was being a little too moany to write a good blog, and became a bit disenchanted by the whole thing. I haven't read back any of my last few posts so i can't really remember what i blogged about last, anywho i shall update you with all the recent goings on and try not to moan too much in the process.

I HAVE GOT AN ACTING JOB...(insert hallelujah music here)...I will be playing Puss in 'Puss in boots' in a touring panto around Leeds. Soooo excited i received the script and the contract yesterday, so it is deffo happening. It lasts throughout the whole of December and i couldn't be more pleased. an actual paid proper acting jobby...fabsticks!

I HAVE ALSO GOT AN ADMIN JOB...it's only two days a week but hey, at least I'm not totally poor now...I'm working for scania...you know the lorry people...doing filing and data entry and such like...and the ladies in the office are very nice...thank god.

I HAVE GOT ANOTHER JOB DOING EVENTS...I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to tell you about this one as i had to sign a contract to say that i wouldn't disclose info about famous people and all that. and as last night i was working at the Royal Albert hall in the VIP room there were famous people there...one of them i did not like so i didn't offer him a canape...ha...so there...that was my tiny revenge for what he's done to the economy...(you can probably work out who he is from that)...

In personal news as i am now doing more, as are the peeps in my flat it is slowly getting better...I am not good when i feel trapped, especially around the same people...i like a bit of freedom...and the chance to move around...i don't cope well with monotony...any how we shall see...

umm yeah, so i think that is the main stuff covered...oo i was thinking about starting a new blog...although as I'm not great at keeping up with this one maybe it is not such a good plan...I'll let you know if i decide to....

toodles

Midnight in Paris

Midnight in Paris is a wonderful film and would be fully understood by anyone who lives mainly in their own heads...like me. It is beautifully shot, and totally random and therefore a good old film...watch it.

So today my main problems consist of waiting to start a job that i NEED to start asap as i have NO money. And i know i talk about having NO money quite a lot, but this time it's serious. The other day i actually considered getting one of those payday loans...it's bad times. However, in good news, the annoyance has gone away for a few days, I'm being a bit cryptic about the annoyance as I'm not sure if they read this or not...awkward...although this has lifted my mood...

It's funny isn't it, how you don't realise how low your getting till feel a bit better again...it's a shame that this particular living situ isn't working that well, but i think it's pretty obvious that this combo isn't working. I can't really do anything about it yet, so I'll just have to see how things pan out in the next few months...

oo a song that i really like has just come on the radio, it has clapping in it, can't beat that...lol...you have a listen:

Sound of sunshine:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqgHosrqJ8o

The people

(apologies for the bad writing of this piece, I am hungover)

Ever since I was a child I have had good friendships with people and what I would describe as bad friendships. this is probably not too dissimilar to everybody else. I'm sure we have all made friendships that  have lasted and ones that haven't. but what I want to talk about here is a certain type of Friend,the sort of unintentional friend. I am a fairly nice person, I give myself a hard time every now and again but fundamentally I am nice. I like meeting new people creating new bonds, and most importantly being friendly. usually i can tell within the first few moments of meeting a person if they are they type of person i  like and could be friends with. these are the people who make me laugh, think, engage and generally just enjoy my time around them. it is great when I find this type of person, they make me happy. However this kind of early niceness means that every now and again I will come across the needy friend, the person who is not particularly funny or interesting but just needs to be around somebody in order to feel validated. I remember as a child having a friend who would come and call at my house and then demand my attention for hours. I can remember very clearly the utter boredom of having to be around this person, but not having the balls to tell them to go away.

As I have become an adult these friendships have become less frequent, however every now and again I will find myself around this type of a person, the person that zaps my energy rather than giving me energy, makes me do all the talking. never comes up with a good plan or idea, and worst of all copies what I do...I know this sounds childish and I should be flattered that someone should wish to copy me...but no. I find it highly irritating, and a bit ridiculous. At the moment with this particular person, I walk the line between just being irritated by them, or mildly tolerating them, and I am currently trying to what spend as much time away from them as possible.

And I thought when I hit adulthood problems like annoying friends would be a thing of the past....yet another wrong assumption I suppose.

*Horse sigh*

blog, blog, blogging cos I'm bored...I am bored and there's very little i can do to combat said boredom due to having nooo money *horse sigh*. I have already been for a run, watched the Olympics, watched the new Jenna Marbles video, watched more of the Olympics, had lunch, opened my graze box which is amazing today...very excited by the contents of that. They've even sent me, carrot cake with a tea bag...my type of company..I've applied for acting jobs, reminded Office angels of my existence and checked if my events job thing has been confirmed...it hasn't.

Oh lordy, I need a hobby, preferably a free one...hmm...I wish i lived somewhere hot and by the sea, as then i could take up swimming in the sea. pff.

Well i suppose, i haven't looked at wowcher yet, that'll take up a few minutes, then i might watch the 'Life of Brian', as i watched a documentary about it last night and it looks brilliant.

Hopefully I'll start work next week, so I'll only have a few more days of boredom....

Shake it out

I am beginning to realise that my twenties are going to be a whole series of feeling as though things are totally up in the air...or in fact maybe life in general will be a feeling of things being up in the air. However, most people know what they are doing on a day to day basis, i do not. This week has been spent going to training and inductions for a series of new temporary jobs. They consist of working in a nursery and events staff. So i am still trying to figure out the temp work thing and how that matches up to the acting thing. I'll keep you posted...

I am loving the Olympics, I am currently watching showjumping while writing this. I think it's been amazing and i have really enjoyed it being in England, and watching the different sports. also the Olympic stadium looks wicked.

I think my holiday did me quite a lot of good, I am feeling a lot calmer at the moment. The flat is still a little claustrophobic, but it should only feel that way for a few more weeks as then people will have stuff to do, so it shouldn't be sooo stifling.

Also, i did a bit of Yoga today...I did not realise how unfit I was until I attempted exercise today...any who I'm going to try and do a little bit everyday and hopefully I'll get both fit and healthy...lol

and to finish here's a bit of Florence:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

We walk...

So I'm back in England, it is cold and I am struggling to get back into the swing of British living. I have a lot to sort out work wise this week, which I'm not looking forward to. i don't often get the post holiday blues, but this year i definitely have. the hot weather, the clear sea, and the easy lifestyle is all far, far away now...I want to go back....

While on holiday we walked round a cave that have a river running through it and that linked to the sea, and it was the first time that i felt content in a long time, i had missed that feeling. I don't really enjoy not knowing what is coming next, but in that moment i could just be.

on a separate note, last night me and my family watched the opening ceremony of the Olympics. It was amazing i felt almost emotionally patriotic, and i was so glad that they had a northerner directing it, you need a bit of northern humour in situations like that.

Life's a fillet of fish

Right well, it's been another weird week. I haven't had any acting things...I don't think..but I have got a few auditions coming up, so that's good. I've had a couple of interviews for more temp type work. One in a nursery and one for an events company. I'm still desperately trying to avoid the call centre...which apparently means I'll do anything, including working in a nursery...

Emotionally it's been a better week also. I haven't cried, which is a PLUS, and I've had productive things to do, like a couple of drama workshops and things that should lead on to other work...also, I have signed up at the doctors hazaa, so now if anything goes wrong with me, I can just pop along to the doctors and get them to sort it out.

I go on holiday next week...YES...I actually can't wait, I am determined to enjoy this holiday, it might be the last one I get for a while, so it must go well...

Money is yet again an issue, what with the not having any work problemo. But I'm trying not to let it get to me....I'm just being froogle... again.

I think this is all from me....

I might add a song to make this blog a bit more interesting, hmm....oh I've got one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZeUkhiUbR8

enjoy!!!

Still crying in restaurants

I have for a very long time had the issue of crying in public. Yesterday carried on this trend. I have spoken before about not being able to hide feelings that are so big and real. However, yesterdays tears formed from a very different place, I was acting, in a film, and yesterdays scene was being attacked by a much older man. Now I hadn't really thought of myself as much of a method actor before yesterday, but after filming that scene all day it had really affected me. Of course I knew that it wasn't real but what was happening was my body was reacting to the physicality of the scene, to the point where I could only film the actual attack twice, as I just couldn't cope with any more times. I have never felt that vulnerable or out of control before and it was awful. Thank the lord it's never happened to me in real life I'm not sure I would ever cope with that. 

But to get back to the restaurant situation my flatmates tried to take me out for a meal to cheer me up. It didn't work and I had to leave quickly and in tears. Plus the doorman was particularly lewd on the way in which obviously didn't help the situation.

Plus, I'm coming down with a cold....

I'm being a bitch

I am so wound up at the moment. I don't like being around the same people day in day out, I can't stand it. It's driving me insane. And therefore I am being a bitch. I'm speaking out of turn, saying things I don't mean and feeling totally as though I am about to bite someones head off at any moment.
I need my flatmates to get out of my hair, get out of the way. I am finding it increasingly difficult not to loose my temper. And I will loose my temper if they don't get themselves sorted soon.
The other problem is that they don't know anybody here, and when I offer to introduce them to new people they decline. I can't stand it...
I need time away...thank god I've got a holiday booked.

Quiet times

I have had a quiet time work wise this week. I am currently back up north, visiting the family and having a break from LANDAN. My dubious issue which I'm not allowed to talk about has also quelled, so for now I am relaxed. But not properly relaxed...Buddha relaxed...relaxed alertness, I think that's called. I have a few new job opportunities next week, so that should be interesting, all drama related in one form or another.

Although, this last week has been quiet for me, it's also been a little stressful. My flatmate got fired, this week, which of course was not ideal. However it happened, so we're all dealing with the ramifications of that. Essex doesn't take any prisoners I have come to realise. It sniffs out a phoney a mile off. In the long term this is probably a good thing. You shouldn't be doing a job that you have no interest or long term need to be in. However, it seems somewhat unjustified to be fired for just not being their type of a person. I think all three of us in the flat need to focus our attention on more London based ventures. London is more of a melting pot. Essex is like being in a small town.

These things are sent to try us I suppose...

Love and good wishes to all!

Nora Ephron

"You should eat delicious things while you can still eat them, go to wonderful places while you still can ... and not have evenings where you say to yourself, 'What am I doing here? Why am I here? I am bored witless!'"

Never a truer word has been spoken, by one of my biggest Idols Nora Ephron, whom died yesterday. I love her films they are funny, clever and interesting and I have watched a lot of them a lot of times. I will greatly miss her talent, witticisms and her unique take on life.

Rest in peace Nora.

If you're blue and don't know where to go to...

Well, I have had a bit of an odd few days. I finished the corporate acting project on Friday, and that was really fun. Worked with some lovely people, and it felt really nice to be around actors again. I then had a curve ball thrown at me on Friday, unfortunately I can't disclose the details here, however it has sent my head spinning. I know that life is unpredictable and that you never truly know what people think about you, but I like to think I have a sense for when something is brewing...however, not this time. This was so off my radar, that I literally had to be hit over the head with it to realise what was going on. Anyway, as I am still in the mist of the whole situ and I have been asked specifically not to say anything, but Lord only knows where this one will end up. I am confused in the extreme.

On a separate note, me an my housemates went out on Friday and ended up at the Ritz, pah, as you do. I had a lovely (And I mean lovely, I'm not just saying this because it was the Ritz) Rossini...amazeballs. It was a really good night, I love nights like that, that are a bit random but brilliant. The night after we went to the cinema and saw Rock of Ages, that was pretty good too.

So it has been a nice if not somewhat odd few days...

And a bit of music for you below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFabjc6mFk4

The latest

Okay, so when I left off last I was hopelessley unemployed, I shall now update you briefly on the goings on since. I went to office angels on the monday after being fired, wondered round Romford feeling totally hopeless and like I would have to move back to North Yorkshire and live out my days there. Got back to my flat and out of desperation applied for a job at a call centre. Next day, got the job at the call centre ( not a massive achievement, they pretty much employ anything that can convert oxygen into carbon dioxide) then got a call from office angels, offering me some weekend work, temping. Wednesday got another call from office angels for temping that day...should have done it...but instead decided to go and fill out paperwork for call centre job.  Thursday got another call from office angels about temping for that day, but was already on my way for training at the call centre. Did the first day of training for the call centre, went to the rain forest cafe for tea (amazeballs) decided not to go back for second day of training at call centre and just trust that office angels would find me stuff.

At the weekend, did the temping job. Monday went for an audition with the Young Shakespeare Company, Tuesday got a call from office angels to temp at a fishing distribution place, did that.  Today did a drama workshop, tomorrow will be doing corporate acting again, Saturday i'm off, Sunday will be helping out with the drama workshop's show.

Sorry if this makes literally no sense but I have been a bit manic of late....and sooo much happier. Temping is easy and literally no pressure. Which has left me with time to think about my actual career and on Wednesday I went to the job center to ask for some info about starting up my own business.

So things have been much better of late...phew...I feel much more like more old self...and I haven't been bursting into tears every two seconds which is always a plus.

The sun has got his hat on!!

Day One

It has been day one of a serious job hunt before the rent must be paid and I seriously run out of money. This morning I joined a recruitment company for temp work in an office. wandered around Romford looking for vacancies. Applied at a Bakery, tried to apply for La senza but their stupid website wasn't working, and then came home. Feeling a bit rubbish to say the least. I then, out of desperation, this evening applied to three call centres. I will have to wait till tomorrow to see where that leads. But hey ho.

The problem I am having and this ties very much into being an actor is that I need flexibility in a job. I need for it to be okay if I only do one day a week, but 5 days another a different week. I don't know where my next job is coming from. And the acting stuff I get actually pays a lot better than any of the other jobs that I do on a day to day basis. And that's not just a little bit more, it's a lot more. However, the jobs that are like this tend to be the really bad jobs. However, if it gets me out a tight spot, it might not be too much of a bad thing.

Oh lord, I do get myself in to some predicaments. My other problem is that I want to leave my weekends free, so I can visit up north, and you know go out and shizzle. This pretty much rules out any part time work.

What to do ey?

I got fired

Well you know that riduclously hideous job that I had been moaning about, well after three days of worrying about my weekend shift and what possibly the mental manager could say to me that would be totally out of line and massively patronising. I painted a smile on my face, went in for my 6-11 shift. Got there for ten to six and by ten past six I was already back in my flat, getting drunk with my flat mates.So what happened in the space of those twenty minutes was this. I went in, said hello to people, realised there was loads of staff on, had a chat with one of the guys that works there in the staff room, put my apron on. Somebody else mentioned how many people they had on tonight, realised I only had two tables in my section....awkward. Went to check my section, got tapped on the shoulder by afore mentioned mental manager, and assistant manager...or whatever his job is...nobody has ever actually clarified. The manager seemed uncharacteristically nervous as did, assistant manger...or whatever he is. The manager knocked over a glass while sitting down, I made a joke of it...then she began, (at this point the assistant manager, didn't look at either of us and just started writing down everything that was said)
her: you know that you are on a probationary period)...
me: yes?..
her: well you have failed the probation...
me: (in my head) thank fuck for that
her: it's nothing you did, I actually really like you...it's just we feel that you don't quite match up to (insert restaurant name here) style.
me:( again in my head)I'll bloody say.
Her: you don't have to work tonight and I will pay you for tonight and tomorrow, and for any other shifts over the next week.
Me:( In head) score
Her: (she started wittering, didn't really get the next bit).
Me: (out loud this time)That's okay to be honest I have another job to go to in September anyway, so I would have had to leave in a few weeks anyway (this is half true) plus you're right I don't fit in with (insert restaurant name here) I think other people are looking for a career here, I'm not.

Then I just had to sign what ever the assistant manager had managed to write down, and off I went. With my head held high and all dignity in tact. It was, if there was a good way to leave that place, the best way I could have left because I think other wise it would have got messy. Plus I hated it, I mean really hated it...and I get paid for a week where I don't even have to work there. Brilliant.

The only problem now is finding a job, that accommodates acting...hmmm...I'm going to try a temping agency next, who knows it might work.

In other news my parents visited this week, I think I'll post about this in a separate blog. However, the reason I mentioned now, is that they brought down my hamster cage...so today me and my flatmates are going to purchase a hamster...hehe...

And to end in the style of the apprentice...points finger..."you're fired".

Just because you find that life's not fair it doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it, if you always take it on the chin and wear it, nothing will change

I went to see Matilda the musical last night, and it was fantastic. A must see if ever there was one, and this is the lyrics from a really lovely song called "when i grow up"....very timely for me at the moment.

When I grow up, I will be tall enough to reach the branches that I need to reach to climb trees you get to climb when you're grown up

And when I grow up, I will be smart enough to answer all the questions that you need to know the answers to before you're grown up.


And when I grow up, I will eat sweets everyday on the way to work and I will go to bed late every night

And I will wake up when the sun comes up and I will watch cartoons until my eyes go square and I won't care cause I'll be all grown up

When I grow up

When I grow up, When I grow up, (When I grow up)

I will be strong enough to carry all the heavy things you have to hold around with you when you're a grown up.

And when I grow up, when I grow up (when I grow up), I will be brave enough to fight
creatures that you have to fight beneath the bed each night to be a grown up

When I grow up (When I grow up) I will have treats everyday and I'll play with things that Mom pretends that Moms don't think are fun

And I will wake up (I will wake up) when the sun comes up and I will spend all day just lying in the sun and I won't burn cause I'll be all grown up

When I grow up

When I grow up I will be brave enough to fight the creatures that you have to fight beneath the bed to be a grown up

When I grow up

Just because you find that life's not fair it doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it, if you always take it on the chin and wear it, nothing will change

When I grow up

Just because I find myself in this story, it doesn't mean that everything is written for me, if I think the ending is fixed or ready I might as well be saying I think that it's ok, and that's not right!

Still on a hunt

Soooo I'm still looking for a better job than the one I have at the moment and as soon as I find it I should have free reign to vent my true feelings about the whole sorry saga. I am slightly better emotionally this week. Although on Saturday night I went out and got very drunk, didn't get home till 8:30am and then had to be at work for 5 that evening. so mixing a shit job with a horrid hangover wasn't good, but you know...I'm young...

This week, I have a couple of shifts at afore mentioned crap shack then I am working at the London Film Academy helping students to workshop their scripts. Then my parents visit for a couple of days, and we're going to see 'Matilda' yayness, and then I'm back at the crap shack.

Really, I just want some acting work...and I know it's a bit rich to say that because both last week, and this week I have had actual paid acting work but I want to do something like a play, I miss doing proper good acting...meh...plus it would save me from the drudgery of having to do crappy jobs just to make ends meat.

anywhoo...back to the grindstone

Trok lom

Acting mantra

In a letter from Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille:
“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time this expression is unique and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine: how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares to other expressions.
“It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased... there is no satisfaction at any time. There is only a divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”

Wonderful people and Clarity

Wonderful people and clarity

I have felt a bit raw after the whole crying escapade. I’m not sure I cry like other people it kind of has to be seen to be believed. Once I go, I go…and it can last days…I can only really liken it to a grieving process. Which you would probably only understand if you had grieved for something. It’s not something that I can control, like a scab that even if you slightly nudge will begin bleeding again. I will get back to normality eventually, like all these things the recovery is always twice as long as the actual event itself. I think I have spoken about not being able to do things that I don’t believe in before, and it’s the same time and time again…even when I try to carry on ignoring the feeling that this isn’t right, eventually I crumble. It’s just not in me to deny the way I feel, and even if my head ignores it my heart takes over. And you know what? Maybe that’s not a bad thing, it’s my bodies way of telling me that something is just not right and that we cannot carry on…so that’s what’s going to happen…I will not carry on…I will find another job, I will backtrack and find my way again.

What has been brilliant about crying gate is that this weekend I have seen absolutely everybody who means the world to me. EVERYBODY. And you know what they have all fully agreed and been supportive about my predicament. And actually that means more to me than any stupid minimum wage job. The words were actually uttered “we’re all on team Sarah” and that’s nice because it’s good to know that even when I fall off the team Sarah Bandwagon there are people there to pull me back on.

So the new plan is to find a temporary job, to look in to starting my business and to tell my other job to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.

I’m outty.

xxx

The straw that broke the camels back

Today for the first time in a long time I cried in front of people…work people to be exact. It was not good or pretty but it happened and it happened for many reasons, the first reason was that another colleague was being very petty and underhand, which resulted in the manager having a ‘word’ with me. And that word was not to help him in his section as, and this was the underlying message, he was worried he wouldn’t get the tip from the table. not that the manager said that to me, but that was the problem. Rather upsetting as I was just trying to help…not that I will do that again. The other reason, I had just come straight from another job so I hadn’t really eaten properly this is never good for me. Another thing, I was feeling lady emotional…if you get my meaning. Also, I have been feeling a bit rubbish about not being able to do much acting and instead doing jobs that I didn’t want to do that are really high pressured in really stupid ways. I don’t like things that are all about how many sales you get, it’s cold and soulless. I also don’t like the people who do these jobs and get a kick out of it…as quite frankly they are soulless, and that I don’t want to surround myself with them. I like creativity and teamwork, not people that blindly follow rules and who are quite frankly out for themselves.

I didn’t want to cry…not at work…in front of those people. I was sent home early because of it; I have hardly done any hours now because of that. I feel so frustrated, and I have no idea how to fix it. To add insult to industry I keep getting offered acting work up north. This is good I know, but it’s not particularly helpful when I am in the south.

Hmm, I’ll work something out…I nearly always do…I just wish I wasn’t in so much of an emotional state. I Hate getting like this, I am still water I run deep, but with deep water comes a mass of problems if a storm arrives…you know?

Embrace the Essex

I am writing this whilst watching 'The Only Way Is Essex', and living in Essex…whoop. This weekend has seen the opening of a restaurant that I am working at in Essex, It's a much better job than the call centre. Mostly because I can walk to the restaurant, so it doesn't cost me anything to get there which is a huge plus. And the other waiting staff are actually very nice, I'm still making my mind up about some of the other people there.

I was deeply annoyed on Saturday when I made the biatch of a journey to north London through a lot of over excited west ham fans, to get to an audition. And when I did finally get there the audition people had neglected to tell me that they had changed the auditions to Sunday…bastards…so I not only wasted time, but money as well…suffice to say I was not a happy bunny. But hey ho…these things happen…

Essex is fun though, and hopefully when I get a little more on my feet with hours and money…I can really begin to embrace it as more of a home.

Right time for bed me thinks…

Nighty night.

Worry, worry, worry…

So, the last few weeks have been pretty hectic. Which seems to be the pattern of things at the moment. I'm still trying to work out the whole base income thing, I seem to be getting underpaid for things left right and centre at the moment. And that's very annoying, especially as this week I am doing a 50 hour week…big sigh. Please just pay me properly so I can stop worrying about money.

Anyway on a nicer note I have an audition tomorrow for some Shakespeare, so that will be something for the soul at least. Oh the life of an actor. I'm hoping that as a routine starts to develop I can concentrate more on acting, it's all been very boring so far and a bit too stressfull for my liking. Goodness me, I've spent a lot of time, wondering how I managed to end up doing certain things in the last few weeks. And other than money it's been a bit difficult to understand. I am living very much in the present at the moment, which I suppose is good. But I feel like the last few weeks have gone by in a blur, and I'm not sure exactly if I've been enjoying myself…I think I just need to chillax for a bit…and try not worry…ugh…

Toodles

Drunk and in charge of a blog

So I'm a bit tipsy while writing this. I'm not sure why have decided to do this but I have. I feel very happy this evening and it's not just because I am drunk. I feel as though something has been achieved this evening that hopefully in a few months time will become more malleable. But for now I'm just going to have to sit on it for a while. Anywhoo, I am finding it very hard to type right now and should probably stop before I really cause some damage..

Bon nuit

Changes

Well I've been a bit slow on the old blogging station, of late. I think it's because I have been so manically busy. I have managed to get myself three jobs in London now, one at a call centre, one as a waitress and one doing some more corporate acting. They have all been keeping me very busy . I'm not so sure that I like the waitressing or the call centre, they are very corporate and target led, and as a free thinking actress, it doesn't really suit my way of working. I don't like everything being about money, and how much you sell in a day. I find it cold, and not at all what life is about. However, if I want to be an actress and make the whole performing thing happen, I'm going to have to put up with it. At least in the short term and hey for now it's paying the rent.

I also may be getting some drama workshops to do in Essex, so that will be fun if nothing else.

The flat is nice I could do with a little bit more money to get it looking homely etc. But for now it will do. I want to get pictures to put up on the wall, and a rug, and maybe a bean bag or something, so that it's a bit more snuggly in the evening.

So here I am in London, trying to make it all work. I hope it settles down soon, and I can start enjoying it a bit more.

Tata…

A New Home

(This is a back dated post, as I didn't have internet last week)

Well I am here I moved in last Sunday, and in the space of one week I have had two interviews, got a job and have done two days training. I am very content at the moment; the flat is lovely we've only had a few hiccups such as the washing machine started leaking today but besides those annoying things it's all been going remarkably well. I have an interview set up for next week for a new Zizzi's opening within spitting distance of where I live. And full time hours working at my other job. Also the office that I work in, in canary wharf which is sooo cool and my job is really actor friendly. I feel like I have hit the jackpot. I also get to pass the Olympic village every time I go to work. It's amazing I feel really in the heart of everything.

All of this has reminded me how easy it is to fall in to the trap of feeling safe. Pateley was great and felt very comfortable. But being here I realise that there are so many more opportunities that I hadn't quite grasped before. I'm so looking forward to what may come my way. Ooo I've also got an audition lined up for next month…brilliant.

Life is very nice and alive at the moment.

Lemonade.

Moving out

So tomorrow is the day that I move. I am exhausted from packing, and still have a little left to do tomorrow, but  hopefully I won't have to do it again for a while. I feel like I have come to the end of a little windy road, not quite knowing when or where it would end/come out. It's strange I did my last shift at the pub this lunch time and I was elated but at the same time I got into my car and without out any warning felt like bursting into tears. I don't like goodbyes, even if I haven't particularly enjoyed what I am saying goodbye too. I don't like accepting that things do come to an end. I love change and looking forward, but with that comes dealing with endings and that I don't like, because life is never quite the same once something has ended. You can never go back, you can try but it's not really the same, because life and experience changes you. Who knows what the future will bring, I hope it will be happy and fulfilling, but for the moment I will treasure the present and all that it has to offer.

xxx

Brighter days

I feel like I haven't blogged properly for a while. I'm not really sure what I mean by 'blogging properly' maybe because I have been ill and therefore I haven't really felt myself i have felt a bit disinterested. Anywho, I have much more energy now. I wouldn't necessarily say I was feeling better, because I still have a really annoying cough, but my rash has gone and my headache has pretty much gone too. Meh, just have to hope my cough goes soon as well.

I went to work today at the Wellington; it was my last Sunday working there. I did a blog about waitressing not too long ago, I'm not sure if I can do it again really. As temporary jobs go, it's a pretty easy one to get, but I don't know, it's a younger person’s game. I think I'm on the cusp now of looking a bit sad, as a waitress....I mean I have a degree for God's sake. If I really wanted to, I could pack it all in and get a proper job. I love Acting but life as an actor is really hard. Most of the time I'm doing things I don't want to do, in order to supposedly be able to do what I do...I think it's time to take more control of my career. Set up my own theatre company...and as for temporary jobs go, I might try something else for a while.

So, this time next week, I will be moving to London. How strange that seems to type...after all this time, it is finally happening. And actually I feel ready, there's very little to get stressed about any more. All the paperwork has gone through, Internet is all ordered...just have to move in now. Oo and get a job, although I have a couple of things lined up interview wise, so I might be alright, anyway. And when I move to London, I can start what I like to think of as my cool twenties, I've been on standby a bit for the last few months; it'll be nice to get out a bit more.

Happy Easter!

I'm allergic to Penicillin

I'm allergic to penicillin. I have to tell everyone I know, and even don't know. In case anyone tries to give me penicillin, thinking it will make me better, when it won't. It’ll just make me spotty and itchy, like I am now. It would be hard to feel any less attractive than I do right now. Meh. The biggest shame about being allergic to Penicillin is that, how penicillin works and how it was discovered Is pretty much the only thing I remember from science and history at school? I thought it was fascinating how by just leaving a bit of mould out on the side, could end up saving so many people's lives...well not mine apparently. That’s yet another childhood dream that has been dashed. I watched a programme last week, where someone brought up the idea of letting go of childhood dreams of what your life would become and dealing with the reality of it. This was somewhat poignant for me. Maybe because my career is so silly, or that I thought I would have met someone by now, that I could at least imagine spending my life with. I don't know, the reality of growing up is starting to hit. Really I just need money, but to get money I need a job, and to get a job I need to be committed, and to be committed I can't be pootling off to every audition that comes my way....and the list continues. I've just had to have a rather frank chat with the future flat mates about room situations. The same old who’s going to get the small room debate. I tried to deal with it in adult way, but it just feels like being back at school. I don't like petty behaviour or people pretending that they're fine with something when they're not. Probably because I am not one of those people. One of my saving graces/slightly bad things about my personality is not being able to do or even say something that I don't either believe in or want to do. If I don't want to do something or can't see the point in it, I won't do it. I can't even pretend to do it, it just won't happen. And I expect others to be the same. How can people do and say things they don't believe in? Surely that's lying? And again this brings me back to childhood feeling like a liar I just can't do it. I get riddled with guilt, until I put it right...sad but true...and I expect the same of others. Especially as we get older. anywhoo it has been sorted now, and when I say sorted I mean staying as it originally was. because another thing that I strongly believe is if you say you’re going to do something you have to follow through, even if that means making a bed and then laying in it. Literally in this case. Hmm, yeah so don't give me penicillin, even if you are trying to save my life.

Spots

Yesterday i finished my anti-bio-tics and today i have come out in spots...all over my body. hmm... suffice to say I am going back to the Doctor's today. So much for kicking the illness. Although, I don't have so much of a headache today, so that's better. God I hate being ill...It's embarrassing, not to mention bloody annoying. Come on body...we can fight this... baai

Illness

Okay...I give in...I'm Ill. I hate being Ill, and I’ve been Ill for three weeks now. I've even got proper tablets from the Doctors and everything. It's terrible. I was working in London this week, and I had one of the most horrific coughing fits, in the middle of a very posh office. I was meant to be acting and demonstrating how an adaptive child responds to a controlling parent, in Transactional analysis terms. I managed in the end, but goodness me it was embarrassing.

Today, I did the last stage school classes, and then this eve I was meant to be at the pub, but I rang in sick. It's the first time I have rung in sick for any paid work. I thought I never would, but I had to succumb. I have to be a bit careful with myself when I’m ill. Ever since the incident at Leeds train station in 2009. When I hadn't quite realised how ill I was I ended up fainting and vomiting on platform 13, all in a totally public space where I didn't know anybody, and nobody particularly wanted to help me. Understandable I suppose, but it still scared me a bit. You don't realise how important your health is, till it is impaired. I am very independent. But you can't be independent when that ill. I went to Leeds walk in centre after straight after the incident and fainted again in reception, they wanted to admit me, but I didn't want to stay, so I went home. Any who I didn't fancy a repeat of that this eve, so hence the night off.

meh, next week is a lighter week work wise anywhoo, so hopefully I’ll recover.

Here's to getting well soon...

Scapegoat

Something came out of the woodwork today that I had been suspecting for some time. 'The Scapegoat'...that's me. I am currently in a household somewhere, being blamed for a whole load of decisions that are not and were not mine. I hate this, because I believe so strongly in having a choice. In most situations in life there is choice. A path that you and you alone choose to walk down. Your decisions are yours. We are lucky enough to live in a country where we are not dictated too, where we are allowed to be whomever we want to be. Without being punished, or shouted down. Therefore, everything that you choose to do, of course has consequences but it is your choice. So if someone has chosen to do something it is totally and utterly their decision. NOT MINE. This situation has angered me, because unlike the afore mentioned households feelings, I too had the same suspicion, but unlike them I raised it with the person. On numerous occasions actually. Sometimes even in writing. So if I really wanted to I have proof of that, I am not the driving force behind this persons mind set. Also, I have never met this household, even though; the other person has met my household many a time. This I find rude. First of all they are being prejudiced, as I am an unknown to them. Secondly, they have left it way too late to be bringing up these issues, and thirdly DO NOT BLAME OUTSIDERS FOR YOUR OWN FAMILIES INSIDE PROBLEMS, this will never fix the problem and just conspire to make the issue even bigger.

Good bye.

and another piece of this pesky jigsaw

Just been told I can put down the deposit on the flat on MONDAY. YES. Hoorah...oo I do make life hard for myself...but every now and then it does seem bloody worth it....and my dad has paid the security deposit for me...what a chap! yes, yes, yes...Just felt the need to share...I can't do it on facebook yet...cos till it has all gone through properly, it feels a bit premature to celebrate especially on facebook. Anyway, I can say it here....la..la..la...la...

Tlaa

Found another piece to the add to the jigsaw

Soo this week has been an interesting little week. ( my weeks end mid-week due to my weird working hours). I have got some more corporate acting work, with the company that I worked with before. Which is good, I don't know exactly what they're paying yet, but it's always a lot better than what I get from other jobs. Also, it will give me something to do while I am in London. Which although we are still waiting for all the paperwork to go through is looking more and more as though it is actually going to happen.

I am really pleased for one of future housemates, she got on to her P.G.C.E course that she had applied for down in London, so that will give her something to do aswell. I still can't quite celebrate everything because, as per, it's all still up in the air, but hey ho. Nothing is ever that straight forward is it?

Onwards we go.

Good days...

I had a lovely audition today...really nice people who were organised and passionate about the work. And I wasn't totally terrible. Unfortuantley when it goes this well it usually means the answer will be "no thank you" but anyway, It's nice to be around actors and good work, even if it's only for a little bit of time.

The Flat shizzle is still at the getting references stage. We are currently getting guarantors organised. I don't know, It's been a very stressy time in deed, not to mention expensive. Bang goes the whole not being in my overdraft thing. Never mind, hopefully when this is all sorted I can begin to concentrate on getting a job that pays me something near to what would be comfortable to live on. Plus, I can get work that isn't sooo temporary and rubbish.

Trok lom

TenterHooks

Oh My God. I hate leaving things up to other people. They don't do things properly, take ages to get back to me....I just want a flat...I promise I'll pay the rent....Jesus Christ...just let me give you a deposit. ahhh. Sooo annoying. At the moment the estate agent has the Nazi of all referencing services getting information from my employers as to how much I earn. I'm like I can save you a job, I don't earn the amount you require so let me just get some guarantor forms so that we can get it all done and sort out a move in date. I can't so anything at the moment. there's no point in me sorting out any work down there till the flat is sorted, and I've already given notice to my jobs up here. what am I going to do if this doesn't work out. bloody hell.....I'm trying to keep calm...honestly...I just want it done and sorted. FFS.

And I can't concentrate on learning lines for the audition I am meant to be doing on sat. blah...I need a holiday from my own head...

Yours truly...

How many chickens then?

Well, it has been a very busy, stressy, exciting time. We found a flat, it's incredible, if I could have imagined the perfect flat this would be it. It's modern, not too big or small, nice bathroom, really nice kitchen. And the location is immense, it's on a retail park, there's a cinema, bowling alley, loads of restaurants, shops, Big supermarkets and the piece de resistance it's got a Costa right across from my apartment. oo and it's a four minute walk to the station, and we are about 20 mins away from the centre of London. I'm soo excited. We just have to get all the paperwork done and it's ours. I can't really relax about it though till it's all gone through and the keys are in my hand. I suppose it's a waiting game now though.

In acting news, I have an audition on sat, which I must start preparing for. Also my friend from drama school, who has an agent, contacted me to let me know they have an opening in their books for my casting. I haven't yet replied though, I've been far too distracted.

Oh god please let this all work out!!

And er...never mind about the chickens...

"It'll all be alright in the end...and if it's not...well then it's not yet the end"

"It'll all be alright in the end...and if it's not...well then it's not yet the end" ( The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel).
Isn't that a brilliant statement?
I've had one of those weeks this week. You know the ones where reality comes crashing in and makes the dream look all weak and tired. Me and the two people that I am moving to London with, have started trying to arrange viewings on flats in London, this has not been easy. We managed to book six viewings and out of those six, two have already cancelled. So we are down to four...grr...topped of with the fact that none of the flats are really in the right area, and actually don't look that great, has been conspiring to thoroughly wind me up. Anyway deep breaths. Next week will be the biggest test as this is when we actually go down to London, with the aim to find a flat. Wish us luck.

Anywhoo, I went to see 'The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel' last night with my mum, it was nice. Dev Patel owns a hotel that he advertises to the "Elderly & Beautiful". I think that's great. I've always had quite an odd fascination with age. Ever since being really young I could imagine myself as an older even elderly person. My favourite actors and actresses are always older people, mainly in the over 60's section. One of my guilty pleasures is going to the cinema on my own, especially if I have a day off mid week, and seeing something that is targeted at an older generation, and I'm very often the only twenty something in the entire cinema. It's kind of my thing, one of my secret things.  Anyway, getting back to the film, I loved it's sentiment. Life often feels as though, it has an end point when in truth it doesn't, it carries on through the highs and lows, and you know what... it will all be alright in the end, the trick is knowing where the end is.

The end.

The Bench Mark

I have this thing where regardless of how well I am doing or the achievements I have made, I think that there is always somebody doing it better. In truth this is probably the case. But this weekend was a bit of an eye opener for me. I was in London, filming. and when I wasn't filming I had the time to catch up with a few friends, which was lovely. However, I was surprised by how much things hadn't changed for them. Being away from them, as close readers of my blog will know has not been easy for me. I think in one of my many moany blogs about not being in London, I said that I felt like everybody else was at a party that I had been invited to, but couldn't go...I think in reality it might have been a case of the grass is always greener. In truth the acting thing has actually gone quite well for me. I am certainly not doing any worse than anybody else. Also the space and distance away from London, has given me a perspective on my life and career that I never had before. I have built myself a base career, something that can earn me money when the acting is a bit slow. Which is really important. I have also become quite savvy about the business, I'm glad I haven't just signed with the first agent that came along...it's not worth it...truth is you either have a good agent or no agent at all. There is no point in having a middle of the road agent, they will hold you back. I have built up experince in both acting and teaching, that I'm not sure I would have got in London, and I have grounded myself.

There is a lot I want to do now. When I do move back, and most of it is my own work. Stuff I can be control of. I even think I have a slight plan, as to how to start moving with it. This time at home has been really worthwhile, and in truth, I haven't missed out on that much at all in London. And maybe I should stop imagining that everybody is doing better than I am, it's not the case.

Taa Rah.

Hair

Okay, so who knew??? But the easiest and best way to do your hair is......to get somebody else to do it for you. huh...yep it's the easiest and best way...I always thought that my hair wouldn't do what I wanted it to do because I had fine, double crowned, weird hair, that wouldn't do what it's told...no turns out it's not my hair that's the problem....it's me...yep like all things vaguely artistic, I can't do it...I just don't have the knack, or the  patience, or the drive to either learn how to be good at it or just be good at it in the first place.

If you're wondering where this rather random thought process came from I will tell you. This week I am being an actress...hoorah...in a film (of all the bloomin mediums)...yup. And this entails getting my hair and make-up done....by a professional..ooo...and the professional who did my hair and make-up had the very night before, been working at the Brits doing hair and make-up...mental...anyway she was very good and literally made my hair look perfect both up and down in five minutes flat...she was an angel...or maybe just somebody who was trained, so she knew what she was doing..either way, it was amazing and I want her to follow me around everyday and make me look perfect...please?

And also I LOVE ACTING... I want to do it all the time....please the world or god or whomever, make this happen.

And here's some Gaga for your entertainment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7GWG3zT714

Sgagay

'Many Scorpio's are winners'

This sort of thing I ordinarily take with a pinch of salt, but this I quite like. It's a discription of the traits of my starsign, which of course is scorpio, and I quite like it:

Description:Reputed to be the "most powerful" sign of the zodiac, Scorpios lead fate filled lives and have intense and dramatic personal relationships. Even as children Scorpios are often found to be wise beyond their years. Many astrologers call this the sign of the "oldest souls". Old and wise beyond the average, Scorpios often know all the answers, except sometimes; they too often have difficulty finding what they need to develop their own happiness.

Passion, desire and power go hand in hand for Scorpios. Their biggest challenge and test in life is choosing between the power of love and the love of power. Coming to grips with their extraordinary emotional depths and sensitivity isn't easy for those around them. They are different from all other zodiac signs and this difference has them walking, working and loving to a different beat. Others can often live with a Scorpio partner for years, but not really know them. Much to do with a Scorpio remains ever secret. Their eyes often blaze with feelings that words never express, and beware on the days or nights they hide their feelings behind dark glasses, there is likely to be a storm of some kind brewing. When you deal with a Scorpio you have to always deal with them on a psychic intuitive level. They often wear a mask. Too often they say "no" when they really mean "yes". They have contrary natures. Once they find true love they can be the most faithful dedicated of all partners but fall out badly with a Scorpio and you are likely to find they will never forget or forgive.

Most Scorpios are winners. The main thing they have to worry about is their attitudes, which make up their mind powers and can either make or break them. When they are negative about something or someone, or critical of themselves, they can tend to get in their own way.

Scorpios operate on three levels of soul evolvement; adding up to three distinctively different types of Scorpios. The first level is the Scorpion. This is the least evolved and most drawn toward using their powers the wrong way. The criminal element of Scorpio comes under this level. Then there is the eagle - the highflying, entrepreneurial, successful Scorpio, who seems able to rise above adversity and transform bad-times into good. Then the highest expression of this sign is the Phoenix Resurrected. These Scorpios are detached and extremely powerful. They are wise beyond their years and act as leaders and are an inspiration to others. Quite frequently a Scorpio goes through the three levels of evolvement in one lifetime - but the levels can operate out of sequence.

Stupid people in pubs SLASH reataurants.

As you may or may not know as well as running drama workshops for kids that couldn't give a crap about drama, I'm also a waitress at a pub SLASH restaurant. And I thought I would share some of my thoughts about the stupid people (some people call them customers) that come into the pub SLASH restaurant. Okay, Sunday is the worst fucking day for stupid people to arrive at the pub SLASH restaurant. Mainly because they bring their stupid families with them, this will include children who will run around, get in the way, complain about the food, get in the way, shout and scream, get in the way, cry and get in the way. They will also bring old people, who will want a small portion, with the meat well done *NEWS FLASH* meat tastes shit well done, especially lamb which will become tough and then you'll complain that it was too chewy...obviously cos you wanted it cooked well done, which makes it dry and shit!! stupid! Also they will bring themselves and they WILL NOT BOOK...fookers and then complain about the wait....obviously there is going to be a wait it's busy, cos it's Sunday and unfortunately you're not the only stupid table that has brought your entire shit family out to lunch without booking so fucking deal with it. Sundays are also shit because the stupid people that come in have absolutely not thought about what they are eating, so after bringing out all of the meal, I then say "can I get you any sauces for those?" at which point one particularly stupid person on the table will pipe up with "NO", and I wait about 2 seconds and then somebody else on the table will say, "yes can we have some horseradish?" and I say "yep" and off I go to get the horseradish, I would like to add at this point that I don't mind at all going to get sauces once for a table BUT, IF WHEN I GET BACK SOMEBODY ELSE ON THAT STUPID TABLE ASKS FOR SOMETHING, I WILL GET ANNOYED because now they are holding me up. Why when I said can I get you any sauces couldn't you have thought about what you wanted then I don't know, but Sundays are full of idiots who do that. Stop holding me up, it's already busy, you were one of the tables complaining about the wait and now you are one of the many factors of a Sunday that is holding me up. You TIT. Anyway....Then we move on to the rest of the week, which in fairness isn't as bad as a Sunday. However you still get stupid people coming in with a party of 8 wanting to eat a three course meal 15 minutes before we finish serving, usually after a really quiet night, when everybody is ready to go home. Now we're going to have to stay for at least an extra hour...bloody hell.

If you want to avoid being a stupid person in a pub SLASH restaurant here is some tips from me to you:

1: Always book
2: Don't complain....unless it's really bad like there is a dead rat in it or something....we're doing our best, relax enjoy the company and don't be tight just get another drink...they'll keep you going.
3: If your family is stupid don't take them out.
4: Don't make the waitress come to your table a million times, think about what you want sauces wise...you've had plenty of time you've already complained about the wait...fuckwit
5:If you are going to complain, do it to the manager not the waitress, if it's me I couldn't care less.
6: Tip well, we're on minimum wage, doing a job that lets face it not many people would want to do.
7: If when you first walk in it's really busy, why not try somewhere else.

And there's just a few tips from me to you as to how not to be a stupid person in a pub SLASH restaurant.

Bon appetite!

Happy Now

Isn't it funny how you don't realise how down you have been till you go back up again. This week has been one of those weeks. A week where that feeling comes back the light, giddy harmonious feeling of happiness. Remembering who you are, and how fun life can be. When life is alright time goes quicker, problems seems solvable and friends are havens. I feel as though I have been hibernating since summer, I turned a part of myself off, so that I could cope with not being where I wanted to be. But now I feel like I'm waking up from a long sleep, I'm wiping the cobwebs away and seeing life again, anew.

This time has been good for me. I know that, but it's coming to an end now, and very soon I'll be starting a new chapter.

Hello life, I've missed you!

Olla!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YSxb7lP78Y&ob=av2e

BAFTA

It's never too late....is it? The BAFTAS, for an actress right at the beginning of her career, are in one way intimidating, but in another the symbol of what can be achieved. Although the BAFTAS has many people sitting in the Royal Opera House whom have been part of the ceremony before. There are also lots of recipients and partakers for whom, this time they last year, they were relatively unknown. That's reassuring. To think, that maybe just maybe the next relatively unknown person could be *whispered* me? ...who knows.

I often have to remind myself that I am only 23, sometimes I feel really old, and that I haven't done/achieved as much as I should have done. Forgetting entirely what I have achieved, and that 23 is young, it's young..it's young. I have time...hopefully...lots of it...anything is possible...relax enjoy the ride. Okay, I feel better.

And I'd like to thank the academy....

We were young

You have to remember we were young. We didn't know how to deal with it either. Sometimes life throws things it at you. You are not the first person to go through this neither will you be the last. Some people's children they have known, cared for, brought up, lived with for years, have gone. You knew this baby for less than a few months, the baby only lived in you. How can you expect others to totally understand, say the right things. You can't. No one knew this person but you. Please stop being angry, resentful. You have a child now. You must move on, please move on. I don't wish to take any of your pain away from you, but I know people who have lost their 18 year old daughter to cancer, I know somebody who has lost their only child in a car accident, I know somebody who's child committed suicide. Please stop behaving as though you are the only one that this has ever happened too. My own mother had a miscarriage, I too have a missing sibling, and more harrowing I nearly lost my own mum at the age of 5. Don't tell us we don't understand, don't highlight how much you think about your missing child. You are not the only one to deal with this situation. Move on, forgive, it wasn't meant to be, you are not the only mother that feels pain, that has lost a child. We were young.

Forever young.

The significance of insignificance

I had one of those moments today, when you see yourself through somebody else's eyes. The eek moment, when you think, 'God is that how people see me?'. Sometimes when I don't feel comfortable with people, my defence mechanism is to stay quiet and fade in to the back ground. But I had a thought today what happens if this is how people really view me, as insignificant, easily forgettable, that girl..".oo what's her name". It's scary, and I know to a lot of people I am far more important than that, but still every now and then, that thought registers. Usually when I have been rejected, either as a friend, girlfriend, actor...whatever. and then I feel guilty, how many people have I rejected, written off, or simply forgotten purely cos I had failed to register them. I only have to go down my list of friends on facebook, to know how many people I have failed to actively remember. I'd like to say sorry, to all those people. Everybody is interesting and has something to offer in their own significant way. and I hope I am not just 'that girl' in too many people's eyes.

Kel.

Thank you January 2012

Phew, January is over. I have been quite scared of January ever since January 2009 came along and plunged the entire year into disarray. 2009 was by far one of the worst years of my entire life and every month brought it's own devastating and difficult troubles. But January was by far the worst month. Therefore when 2010 came around it could only get better, and it did. 2011 was so busy I hardly even noticed it. But this January was again a bit of a struggle. Before I left drama school I told everybody that I would go home to earn a bit of money and then move back after Christmas, either January of February. Obviously that didn't happen, for a number of reasons, but regardless that didn't happen. So January felt like a bit of a detour this year. Again I ran out of money, I blame Christmas for that, and didn't really manage to see many of my friends. I have been working loads this month. Not doing acting, but planning and running workshops and being at the pub. And although that was totally rubbish, it was quite nice once payday finally did come around. Now I am excited for February. The hotel and train tickets are booked for our stay in London so we can go flat searching, and this month the preparation jobs are: to get a settlement figure for my PCDL, get a graduate loan to pay off the PCDL and overdraft, hand in my resignation for the drama workshops and arrange viewings for seeing flats. Exciting times coming up, and February allows me to feel like it is finally all going to happen.

And on the acting front, I start filming my first short film at the end of February. We are shooting in Leeds and London, so all being well, it should be some nice footage for the old showreel.

Peace out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rjp3qaRLFLc

Ooo

Today I paid off my credit card. Hooray. It's taken me five months, but you know what it was worth it. I have found this quite often, that when I get to the point that I think I can't take anymore rubbish, something comes along and gives me a little lift. And today paying off my credit card was my lift. Also I have booked the hotel and train for a stay in London which is in aid of me, Sophie and Becca going flat searching. I got a really good deal as well. I'm glad it's all booked, it makes it seem real. and something tangible to look forward too. Brilliant.

When I am leaving somewhere, or I know that a big change is immanent, I kind of mentally checkout of where ever it is that I am, and move mentally to the next place. Maybe this is a self preservation thing, it's much easier to leave a place, if you don't want to be there. And the best way of not wanting to be somewhere is to want to be somewhere else. Therefore, when I actually take the next step, I'm simply going through the motions. But strange things make me freak out. A couple of weeks ago I totally freaked out at the thought of curtains. I thought if I get an unfurnished flat, there probably won't be curtains, or even a curtain rail. And I can't afford curtains or a curtain rail. Anyway how will I know how big to get the curtains, even if I did have the money....blah, blah, blah. None of this is a proper reason to get upset or annoyed, but I did. However to cut a long story short *excuse the pun* my mum has agreed to help. So curtains aside, I'm excited. and even a little proud of myself for paying off at least one of my debts. Yays.

I can't remember if I have posted this song before, but I Love Noah and the Whale, and this songs sums up this time in my life perfectly:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdPF4h9K0bs

Moore

How?

Okay, so I have somehow ended up working with children that have special needs, whether it be that they have autism, behavioural issues, or beginning to take risks with their lives...such as drinking, unprotected sex, drugs etc. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Part of me is pleased, it's extra experience for me and interesting. But the other part of me thinks, who am I to try and help these kids? I'm not trained in working with these types of kids. I only to took the job of doing workshops to get a bit of extra money, not because I really wanted to work with Kids. However, I also think maybe I'm exactly the type of person they need doing these types of jobs. I am qualified in drama and acting, I know first hand how it can give you a lease of life and a focus. The groups that I am running with the kids with behavioural problems are called drama therapy and I know how drama can make someone feel better about themselves. I also have the added benefit of not romanticising the job. I know the kids will be difficult, and that some of them won't want to be there. But that is fine, because I don't really want to be there. I won't be mean to the kids, but at the same time I won't take any shit for them. They also can't upset me, because I know that none of their issues have anything to do with me.Also, because this job isn't something that I want to do for ever, I have no problems with being a bit rubbish at it.

It's funny how life can lead you in to these things, I could never have predicted that this is what I would have ended up doing. Weird.

on another topic, I'm  getting really excited at the prospect of being able to apply for acting jobs in London. I have been looking at casting call pro, and pretty soon Jobs will be coming up for April which will be when I'm in London. I can't wait. It will be nice to be somewhere permanently. I have felt that for the last year, I haven't been anywhere permanently so it will be nice and settling to feel that for the foreseeable future i will be in one place. Joy, joy. joy.

Tata.

1058.35

One thousand and fifty eight pounds and thirty five pence, this is the amount that I have paid off from my Professional Careers Development Loan, that I took out to pay for my acting course in London. The full loan is £10, 000 pounds obviously I'll end up paying more than that in the end with addage of interest. But I have been paying this loan off since September and I am pretty sure that bar rent, this is the most I have paid for anything in my life and I still have another four and half years till I have completed the payments of my loan. In fact it will probably be longer than that because I am looking in to taking out a graduate loan to pay off my PCDL and my overdraft and hopefully leave me enough money to put a deposit down on a flat. This is stressful. eek. oh well I get paid next week, and with that money I am hoping to clear my credit card, at least that will make me feel slightly better. phew, being a grown up is hard....

As I was writing this blog this song came on the T.V. and is perfect, I feel, to describe the mood:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a01QQZyl-_I

God I love Queen...and Bowie of course.

Mana.

Safety

I feel as though I have a lot to say, but have no idea how I want to express myself. I had a thought today about life that made things not necessarily clear, but that made sense to me about why certain things have become quite hard. Throughout life you are told that school is the greatest years of your life. I don't really agree with that statement, but I now what people mean. Because as you enter the world of work things that never even crept in to your mind in school days all of a sudden are abundant. Money, being the main one. But also things like friendship and the so called work/life balance become something of an importance. I personally feel that some of the best years of my life were spent at university, constantly around friends away from the parents and studying subjects that I am infinitely passionate about. But when that ended, there was no safety blanket. You are ripped away from your friends, everyone lives in different parts of the country, you end up taking jobs that you don't particularly want to do, but need to do them for the money, And when you do finally have some time to yourself, you find yourself wondering how did this happen? What am I doing with my life? Life is really hard and I am beginning to see the importance of lasting friendships and meaningful relationships, because you don't get a feeling of support and fulfilment from work, so you have to get it from somewhere. I haven't made any resolutions for this year, but if I were to set myself some goals it would be to satisfy my passions more, whether they be with people, art, acting or food. I need to concentrate on the things I like. Life is hard and relentless. And at the end of the day, if we're very lucky, we get old, I want to know that I lived my life meaningfully and not regret what I haven't done. I have spent the last few months trying to get me, my finances and my acting in order. It's now time to start living, to be independent and enjoy being human. Just because the world didn't give me a safety net doesn't mean to say I can't have a bungee rope attached to me. yeah I'll fall, but with a bit of force I'll bounce back up.

Adieu

...and by the way I'm leaving

I went to a meeting yesterday with the people that organise the workshops I do with children. They are having money problems, which is not good of course, but at the same time, I'm only going to be around for a little while longer, as soon I will be moving. Not that I told them that. I'm going to wait till February. But all the same I had to pretend that I care about the problems that the company is facing. It was awkward. But if there is one thing I have learnt in the time that I have had on this planet, that it is not always the best idea to disclose all the details of one's life. Sometimes it is better to hold back certain pieces of information, till it is essential for whom to know.

Anywhoo, I should probably talk about the old career as this is what this blog is meant to be about. I had an audition today for a play, 'Abigail's Party' it was a profit share in York. But I didn't go, I was working in the morning at the pub, and I hadn't slept that well the night before. Also, I couldn't justify the expense it would be to me,for things like getting to York for rehearsals, plus the time I would have to take off from work that I  actually get paid for. I gave myself the challenge that I would  put something new on my C.V. every month, and up until now I have managed that. But I am now looking at the bigger picture and I need to save for London, because that's where the better opportunitys are. So there we go, unless it's paid, for these next few months I will be very picky about what I audition for .

selam

Right then 2012 lets be having you.

So here we are, 2012. A few days in now. How will you turn out? what will you bring? will you be a good year? blah, blah, blah. I don't make resolutions, I'm not even one of those people who make a point of saying "I don't make resolutions", all arrogant and in a posh accent. Nope, in fact until this very year, 'New Years' never really seemed like a 'New Year' basically because up until recently I been a follower of the academic calendar, so 'New Year' to me has always seemed more like the end of August/ beginning of September.But this year is different. This year it does feel like a new start. This year will be the year I move to London and start my adult life properly...hopefully. I can't wait, I really can't. It's exciting and fun and I'm moving with some really lovely people, and it finally feels as though it is actually going to happen. Obviously I am aware that it won't all be pavements of gold and happiness when I am there. But at least i will be independent, and at this present moment that's all I really care about.

Also I can't wait to get back in the presence of certain people I know in London. Oo I can't wait to start my life in London. I was thinking about the last few months and I have thought of an analogy to describe how I have felt. This is it... You know when you are going somewhere really exciting like for example a theme park, and the journey there seems to take an age, well that's how I have felt. Trapped in a car waiting to go somewhere really exciting and knowing that I am going to have so much fun, but right at that moment I am trapped in car with my parents listening to radio 4. Well now I feel as though that moment has passed, and I am now at aforementioned theme park, but this time I am queueing to get on a ride, a little nervous a little scared but mostly really excited. and even though the queue time is over an hour I don't mind waiting, I don't mind standing for all that time, because I can see the ride, I can see other people on the ride screaming and having the experience that sometime in the very near future I will be having. I am surrounded by other people waiting to board the ride, people from all walks of life who for this moment are all in one place wanting to do the very same thing as me.

God I'm glad you have finally arrived 2012.... I love you....I just hope I feel the same way this time next year. *posh snort*.

Auld Lang Syne:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acxnmaVTlZA&feature=autoplay&list=PLFEA1D6A2C8BEA8CA&lf=plpp_play_all&playnext=10&shuffle=402521